Eleven Years Ago Today

Eleven years ago today.... I was a 22 year old wife and mom of an almost 2 year old. And I was VERY pregnant with my second baby, 2 weeks out from my due date. The pregnancy was going well, much like my first one.

My first trimester was marked by nausea, it was all I could do to keep food down. And in my last trimester the doctor said my water was a little low. But I was also probably a little dehydrated. It was June after all.

My friends had just thrown me a sweet little baby shower. They went in together to get me matching bedding because my two little girls would be sharing a room. (I’ll never forget those beautiful pink and green Pottery Barn roses.)

I was thrilled that my little Ashley was going to have a sister. I would sing to my belly and rock my squirmy baby knowing that time was ticking until I could hold her in my arms.

Meanwhile on the other side of the world…

A 35 year old Ukrainian woman named Tatiana was in a hospital in Odessa in the final hours of labor. She was having her firstborn, a son. She was probably filled with excitement as every new mom is.

Maybe she had spent months fighting morning sickness. Maybe she was drinking tons of water to stay hydrated through her June due date. Maybe she had just had a baby shower, filling a nursery with blue. Maybe she would rock her belly and sing.

She was in a bit of a touristy vacation destination. So maybe she was on one last beach trip with her husband before becoming parents when the unexpected happened and her water broke.

Or it’s possible they lived there, wealthy enough to own a condo on the beach. Maybe she had her bags packed right by the door and as her husband lovingly timed her contractions, they decided it was time to go in.

But there she was, June 4, 2005, in the hospital. Each painful contraction would bring her a bit closer to seeing the face of her baby. But things took a drastic turn for the worst after he was born. The doctors announced for the first time that he had Down Syndrome. And fear set in.

I know that because fear makes people do crazy things. And Tatiana turned away her own son.

All I know for sure is that she told the doctors she would have aborted him if she had known. She spewed empty threats to sue the doctors. And in a final act of fear, she left him there. Tatiana and her husband told their families that he died at birth, and sent their lawyer back to pay his bills and confirm that they would never be contacted again. And that was the end of it.

That precious baby boy was taken to an orphanage where he would live without the love of a mother, a family. for four. long. years.

I’ve asked God many times over the years why He didn’t unite us sooner. And this side of Heaven, I won’t have an answer. I just squeeze MY son tight and pray it makes up for lost time. And I give glory to God that He is a redeemer who loves Micah, chose him to be ransomed into a wild family of girls, where he would be the only son. Where he gets to be Daddy’s only boy and the super hero protector to 5 sisters. His diagnosis doesn’t define him. It’s a small part of who he is. He is loved, cherished and adored.

It’s not always sunshine and roses. My heart didn’t immediately attach to him. But slowly, the grafting process happened. And now, my heart catches in my throat when he smiles. He’s mine. I get to be his mom. We get to be a part of his redemption story. The other kids get a picture of how God adopts us and grafts us in. He’s no different than they are. They’re all equally my babies.

Today I'm a 33 year old wife and mom of 6 kids ages 12, 11, 10, 9, 6 and 4.

Today, as we celebrate Micah's birthday, I have 4 specific prayers in my heart.

I pray for Tatiana. That her heart would be healed. If only I could show her how amazing he is. I pray that she would find Christ if she hasn’t already.

I pray that Micah’s story is a testament to the goodness of God. We serve a God who loves the least and the last. To give them a hope and a future. To set the lonely in families. We serve a God who redeems.

I pray that Down Syndrome awareness would grow. That women would be informed and not afraid when they receive that diagnosis. I wish I could look in the eyes of women who’s baby have Down Syndrome and tell them that it’s just a thing. Their baby has such a bright future if they will just embrace it and remember that they are your baby first.

Last but not least, I pray for my big, strong, 11 year old boy. That God would continue to pour out blessings on him. That he would grow in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man. That he would feel he love of God and serve Him all of his days.

We're here!

Well, this is it. My first post as a Knoxville resident. My heart still speeds up a bit at that thought! For the first time since I was 15, I don't live in the Nashville area. So crazy!

And though it isn't exactly far (right at 3 hours away), it's different here. The people, the culture, even the landscape. Its definitely not better or worse, its just all a little different. I'm equal parts missing my home town and falling in love with my new one.

I can't believe we've already been here for 15 days.

We had a great move! (Thanks to our two amazing real estate agents! We highly recommend Jenny Fann in Spring Hill and Troy Stavros in Knoxville!) :) As we were closing and making the drive to Knoxville, we were hearing that there might be some winter weather coming.

We spent one night here in a hotel and when we got up to close on the new house, we were greeted with a thin blanket of white! We bundled up the kids and headed to the title office, the electric company and then over to our new home to wait on the moving trucks. All the while the snow just kept falling.

We were pretty concerned that the road conditions would be too bad for our movers coming in from Nashville, but... the kids thought the snow was magical. And I have to admit--that hour (or however long it was) that we sat on sleeping bags in front of the fireplace... in our echoing, empty house... with our Jersey Mikes picnic... watching the snow fall outside... it was magical. A sweet kiss from the Lord.

The movers finally showed up and in classic Spencer fashion, our magical moment moved straight into high energy excitement and chaos. They obviously have to keep the doors open to move the furniture in, so the downstairs was every bit as chilly as it was outside--while the snow was still falling and really starting to accumulate! Those poor guys were freezing while unloading the trucks and had to inch their way down the truck ramp not to slip. And I spent the next several hours directing them through the house, drinking more coffee than is healthy just to stay warm, mopping up the steady stream of melted snow on my new hardwoods, stressing about my kids running in and out of the snow without any gloves or appropriate snow clothes, and blow-drying one of the kids' mattresses that had rainwater poured on the side of it from a leak in the truck door.

Micah took it upon himself to take pictures of our movers, but now I'm glad he did!

The kids met several neighbor kids outside in the snow, all close to their ages. I love how children can go from being compete strangers one minute to building trenches with sideways sleds and having street-wide snowball fights in no time. It took everything in me to overlook the fact that my kids were trembling cold and probably going to be sick (and they never were) because they were making friends and memories. Thank you Lord. For health and friends. ;)

Kate and Abby passed out after a long day of moving.
And bundled up because it was COLD!!

Since that day, I started working and haven't really stopped. The boxes are almost completely unpacked and a few things are even on the walls. Because our house will be sort of a home base for the church for a little while, it was important to me that it be welcoming and cozy, quickly. And I believe in my heart that if the kids love their rooms and feel good about them, it does their hearts good during this new phase.

We've had lots of visitors since we moved in. Both of the other families moving with us to start the church have had home inspections, so they've been through. (Minus Sarah and the girls! We missed you!) Along with some family and some practically-family. :)

And there's been no time wasted in making connections with families here and UT students. People have brought us dinner; we've had people over for dinner. We've even had a game night. Our family table has officially been christened here with friends and family sharing meals, laughter, cards and the loud singing of "somebody's going down". If you don't know what that is, you need to come play cards with us!

Last but certainly not least, the kids are all trying to settle into our new school routines. Micah and Abby are liking their new school and I had two great IEPs there. The other 4 are homeschooling and that's going ok. Probably best saved for another post. :)

Though its hard and feels strange not to share even more, I'm going to try and leave church updates to that blog. The church is so much a part of our lives, it's almost impossible to seperate. The Lord is doing so many amazing things and I could spend all my time telling those stories. But I'm saving those to be told to a broader audience than my humble blog. But please check out our sweet send-off from our home church here. And follow along there for updates. Its going to be so fun to watch what God does next.

As for me and my house, we're here and getting settled so we can serve the Lord!



"This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:8-9

Our Next Big Adventure

This blog is about the many hats I wear. I'm a pastors wife, mom of a large family, adoptive parent and I'm raising two children with special needs. It's purpose is to share about these different aspects of my life and how they work together. All the while keeping friends and family updated and a mothers heart reflective with the story telling... 

Well... we're entering our next big adventure and I've got a new story to tell. 
Another side of Amy, if you will. 
Church planters wife.

This is story much larger than me, but it's from my perspective. So let me go back a little ways.

Jake has been in ministry for almost as long as we've been together. What started as a passion to be discipled and to know God more, turned into a mentorship with our pastor and volunteering with the Jr High kids. Just before we got married, that grew into part time youth ministry (and part time still working at the steel plant). As our little family grew, that became full time youth ministry and ordination. And Youth Pastor over Jr High eventually turned into Jr and Sr High Youth Pastor and ministry head over the Youth Department. Then pouring into and discipling friends and youth volunteers turned into passing all of it to new Jr and Sr High youth leaders and taking on a new roll of Associate Pastor. (Just before our own oldest daughter started Jr High. Talk about full circle.)

When that kind of personal growth happens simultaneously with a church that grew from 200 people in a school gym to thousands of people on a 150 acre campus, you learn a lot along the way.

And at some point along that journey, The Lord started stirring. Jake began preaching for our senior pastor when he had to be gone. The congregation got to hear what I'd been listening to in youth group for years. A man who has a gentle but fierce heart for The Lord and people. And God started stirring a passion and vision in Jake. I didn't know what it would look like or when it would happen but I knew God was stirring Jakes heart for a specific purpose.

My husband has a gift to teach God's Word. And believes in his core that Jesus called his followers to make more followers. And I'm not just talking about having children-- although we clearly believe in that too. ;) Jake has a passion and gift for discipleship. His heartbeat is to love people well, to make disciples and to teach them to make disciples. All through the vehicle of community and doing real life together.

The last two years have been a wild roller coaster of hearing and not hearing from God, knowing He's calling us out but not sure of what or where specifically, and then a flood of open doors, connections and confirmations. To tell all the details of the last two years and how the Lord called us would be to write a memoir. And some of it is deeply personal. But the Lord is so good. Though we couldn't always see it, He's been busy working, redeeming, pruning, growing and preparing.

But the outcome of our journey is really the beginning of a new one.

God has called us to plant a church in Knoxville.

Whew, it's still surreal to say!!

And He's not just calling us. The friends He's called to go with us... are so much more than friends. They're our people, our community. They're who we do life with. And our passion is the same. To love God and love others, to obey whatever The Lord calls us to do and to go where He tells us to go. And we truly can't wait to see who joins us along the way.

People usually have the same questions, so I'm going to try to address each of them here.

"Why Knoxville?" Well because the Lord said so. :) Jake loves ministering to college kids. And the Lord gave us a vision to plant a church that eventually plants more churches. A college town is a great place to do that, so that's what first brought Knoxville onto the radar. And there have been lots of connections and relationships there. The Lord randomly bringing people across our path... the stories are incredible. Stuff only God can do. And remember that Jake was in youth ministry for years and some of the kids he had went on to UT. The more we prayed and investigated, the more it became evident that the Lord was speaking loud and clear. It's time to take Grace Chapel to Knoxville.

The next big question is, "when?" And that depends on how quickly The Lord moves this process along. Jake has already begun making trips out there to get the ball rolling: following up on connections the Lord has already made, building relationships, and eventually getting some small groups started. (I could cry right now at the goodness of the Lord bringing new people across our path and opening doors.) It was announced to our church this morning and our house goes on the market Wednesday. But each and every step we're committed to seek The Lord and ask Him what's next. This is His thing not ours.

For me personally, people always ask, "how are the kids?" Our 4 youngest don't seem to be affected by it much at all. Their closest friends are in the families that are going with us (again, we do life together) so that helps a lot. And they think a new house sounds like an adventure. Micah and Abby will of course take some adjusting to a new school, but I'm confident that God with supply all their needs according to His riches and glory. :)

Emily is a very go-with-the-flow kiddo and she's taking it all in, focusing on the good. Her best friend moved away several years ago and they still keep in contact so I don't think she has much anxiety about moving away from her friends. Again, one of her closest friends now is going with us as well.

Ashley has been so mature processing it all. It'll be hardest on her, being 12, but she's always known that we go where God calls us and we take nothing for granted. Many of her questions, I have to answer with, "we'll have to trust God for that." And because she's been around the longest, so to speak, she's seen God provide for our family over and over again through the years. I think this will be an opportunity for her faith to be stretched as well.

The current plan is that we will homeschool Ashley, Emily, Mabry and Kate. Unless The Lord shows us otherwise. And I'm walking forward with open hands in that.

We're looking at west Knoxville. You see, Jake. loves. water. If he could chose anywhere to live, it would be on the water. And God is so good... As he was praying about rather or not the Lord was calling us to Knoxville, he realized that the Tennessee River and Fort Loudon Lake run right through the area where He's opening doors. And for me, still being in the Tennessee hills makes me feel right at home. (So note: don't be afraid to ask God for things. Sometimes He calls you to make big sacrifices while simultaneously filling the desires of your heart.) 

Its a bittersweet transition for me. I've lived in Spring Hill for 18 years (with the exception of our first married year in Franklin). I went to youth group in Thompsons Station, prom at Page and Spring Hill High, and graduated here with my homeschool class. I met my husband here, this is where we dated, where he proposed and we got married in Cool Springs. I birthed all 5 of my babies in Williamson Medical and this is where we brought Micah home. Both of our only 2 homes are in Spring Hill. This is home.

Except this isn't our home. Knoxville won't be our home either. Our home is in heaven. This life isn't about setting up camp, its about living for something greater than ourselves. Its about living for Jesus. And He called us to make disciples. He said that people would know His disciples by their love for one another. Home is where we are loving people, reaching the lost and making disciples.

My dream home is up on hill, with a perfect view of the mountains, a lake in the valley, a big front porch, all hardwood floors, clawfoot tub in my bathroom and a screened in porch in the back. ;) I have no doubt that's what the Lord is working on for me in heaven. And if I get a little taste of that on earth, awesome. But until He comes, there's work to be done. People need the hands and feet of Jesus to walk with them through their mess. I need people to walk with me through my mess! My kids need to be discipled themselves and my husband needs me to be supportive of his/our ministry. 

This next life adventure isn't going to be easy. Its probably going to be really really hard. I'm not always going to be up for the challenge. Some days I'm going to loose it and cry in my room for a while. I know this because we've been on adventures before. Not church planting specifically, but... we've seen our share of challenge. But God is faithful to His Word and when He calls (or allows) us to walk through something, He sustains us through it.

In Gods economy, the hard road is so much better than the easy one. It produces fruit in and around us and it Glorifies Him. What more could you ask for?

There's so much more I could say, but that covers most the update from the perspective of our family life. I will update my blog more, now that this is official and I have the freedom to do so. And you can follow the church updates at www.gracechapelknoxville.net 

For now, some prayer points for our family specifically:

~For a smooth transition for the kids

~That the Lord would be in every detail of selling our house

~That we would find just the right house in just the right area of Knoxville

~Stamina for Jake as he travels back and forth until we're there

~Wisdom as we look at schools for Micah and Abby

Thank you, precious friends and family who have loved us so well, for your prayers as begin this journey. To Jesus be the Glory.

#lovewins

Disagreement does not equal hate. America has made a muddy mess of the two. But they are two different words.

Some people might disagree and hate. But that does not make the words synonymous. 

Disagree: verb

1. to fail to agree; differ

2. to differ in opinion; dissent:

Hate: verb

1. to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest

2. to be unwilling; dislike

I'm deeply saddened by the Supreme Court ruling this week. I disagree that it was the right choice. But it seems to me that one major thing that is misunderstood (or maybe just pushed by an agenda) is that disagreement equals hate. I disagree with the LGBT community but I do not hate them. Quite the opposite actually. I'm burdened with love for them.

Confused? Let me give an example.

I love my children. Let's say my children wanted to play with matches. Um, no that's not going to happen! Now, they might think I'm a mean mom.... Playing with matches would make them happy! Who am I to stand in the way of their happiness? But I love them too much to let them do something that will hurt them.

If I hated my children, I wouldn't care. I would let them play with matches. No sweat off my back right? "Live and let live." But I love them too much to turn my head and "let live". I would have to really hate them to let them continue in something that will cause them pain and/or death.

That's not a perfect analogy, because I'm obviously not parenting a community of people. But I'm trying to make the point that from my perspective, this is wrong and harmful. I have too much love for this world to be ok with this ruling.

No, I'm not afraid of the LGBT community and I'm not homophobic. I mean, for Pete's sake. I live in this world, not in a bubble. I have good friends who disagree with me and my views. We're friends. Our kids are friends. So let's dismiss the fear argument. 

And, I have children with special needs so trust me when I say, I understand the desire for inclusion and acceptance. Trust me. I get that. But this issue isn't a matter of disability or skin color.

God's Word is loud and clear. Homosexually is sin. Now, it's not a "worse" sin than lying or stealing or cheating. Sin is sin. And it's wrong. And it has consequences.

Romans 6:23 says that the wages of sin is death. But the gift of God is eternal life. We must repent and accept the free gift of God: His payment for our sin. 

Yesterday our country legalized sexual sin. (I'm still not sure how they had the right to redefine marriage when they aren't the ones to define it in the first place.) And I'm deeply concerned about the ramifications of that. 

To my friends who are rejoicing over yesterday's verdict: I love you. This doesn't change my love for you. We're still friends. At least I hope we are! :) I understand why you're excited, I really do. I just want you to know why I don't share your response to this news. And it has nothing to do with hate, which is what the world is trying to shout. It has everything to do with love.

From my perspective, the LGBT lifestyle is a sin that leads to death and destruction, and I love you too much be ok with that outcome for you.

To be honest, I think there are "Christians" out there who disagree and have hate in their hearts. I think there are Christians who are afraid. I also think there are Christians who believe Gods Word but condone this sin because of their fear. Please don't project the opinions of some on all. 

I follow Jesus. And I think His message was a pretty clear and simple one: love the sinner. But hate the sin in their life because it causes them destruction. Love them in their sin, love them too much to leave them in it.

I don't expect people who don't believe in the Bible or Jesus to abide by Scripture or Jesus' teachings the way I do. But when our country as a whole accepts these sins and legalizes them.... God have mercy on us all.

I think this is a given, but so that you hear my heart clearly: I'm not perfect. I don't pretend to be perfect or have it all together. I'm certainly not the one to save people from their sins. Thankfully Jesus came for those of us who don't have it all together.  Yes, I sin. But He forgives my sin and changes me continually. He gives me a deep peace and joy that I haven't yet found in my friends who don't know Him. I pray that they too would accept His forgiveness, freedom, peace and joy.

And I pray that our country would repent of this decision and turn back to acknowledging Christ as Lord the way that our forefathers did.

The trending hashtag is #lovewins. Which is ironic to me because people posting it have no idea how true it is. God is love. The creator of this world has been the definition of love since before He created it. He loves this world and He came as a man to die for it. He rose again and will one day return for it. So yes. #lovewins

To the Christian: I know your heart aches as mine does. But may this verdict lead us to Gods Word. Seek out truth like never before. Let your concern drive you to prayer... deep fervent prayer for our nation. Humbly love love love your neighbors and boldly stand firm in your convictions. Pray for those in bondage to sin. In these last days it's only going to get harder. But we know Who wins. And while we still have some religious liberties left, may the words of our mouths never be considered hate speech, but love speech. You can disagree and love. ️

~~~

These are my thoughts and opinions. They are based on the eternal Word of God as I understand it and on my personal relationship with Jesus. You don't have to agree. Comments are welcome but please remember that it's extremely rare to change anyone's (mine or others') opinions based on blog or FB comments. So let's keep agreeing and disagreeing comments here kind and encouraging. Anything else will be deleted. Thank you for understanding. 

*Image from Pinterest .com

These 3 girls

I had these 3 girls in just over 3 years. These 3 girls were each surprises. I thought each of them was going to be a boy, but perfectly and beautifully knit by God, these 3 girls made me a "girl mom".

These 3 girls are the ones that made me a mom of "3 kids under 4". These 3 are the ones who taught me that I could juggle babies. These 3 are the ones who made me fall in love with the juggle and want to juggle more. These 3 are the ones who paved the way for the 3 that would come 3 years later.

~~~

Today I had to take Abby to the children's hospital for an X-Ray to see if her Atlantoaxial instability had changed at all in preparation for spring Special Olympics. And there were some other errands to be run, and the big girls wanted to get out of the house. So Dad stayed home with the others and we spent the day together. Me and these 3 girls.

We shopped, talked, laughed, had lunch with Nana, and ran our errands.

And at one point, when we were at the hospital, I couldn't help but remembering when they were the only 3. When we would come to this same hospital for Abby as a baby.

Then, I had a double stroller, baby bjorn, diaper bag and 3 tiny girlies.

Today I had 3 beautiful, thinned out young girls walking next to me with wonderful manners to the nurses and smiles for passing patients. My wise, maternal Ashley... faithful, funny Emily... and loving, joyful Abby. As they watched the fish pond, I watched them. And I thought my heart might explode.

They don't remember life when they were the only kids in our family. Nor would I want them too. But I do. And it felt like yesterday.

~~~

When we got home I was greeted at the door by my strong, silent Micah... my sweet, gentle Mabry... and my wild, sassy Kate. These 3 more pieces of my heart outside my body.

The 3 girls poured into the mix from behind me and it was like watching water mix with water. Hugs and stories and the oldest with the youngest on her hip. All my sweet children. A family that is perfectly and beautifully knit together by God.

It's not easy to have a big family. To have 6 kids 8 years apart and 2 with special needs. 5 girls and 1 boy. Lots of drama and never a dull moment.

But if you see me looking tired, just know that I love this juggle. I wanted it, the Lord blessed me with it, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm the one who gets to watch these babies transform into people. I get to pray for their owies and disciple them to love Jesus.

The days are long but the years fly by. And I've learned so much.... they've grown so much... since I had just these 3 girls.

When they don't come home (Encouragement for failed adoptions)

I wrote this post some time ago. I never published it and I'm not sure why. Maybe it was too painful then.

But in light of a friend walking this same rough road right now... and a recent precious gift... I think its time to share.

I've never experienced a miscarriage. So I don't know that pain and I can't speak to it. I've never had a child go to heaven. So I don't know that pain either. But I did have a failed adoption. Its a very unique, horribly painful experience. And I know that in those first days after it happened I cried harder than I probably ever have in my life. I knew that God promised him to me. And while, to the world, and to my friends and family, it made sense that I brought Mabry home instead (because I heard the Lord tell me "2"), she was never the "instead of". She, like all of my children, was her own sweet, precious, amazing gift and still is.

The Lord said two. And two came home. So was Oleg never "meant" to be ours? Did God change His mind? I never made sense of why it happened. Because really, it doesn't matter now. I don't have to know.

To this day I deal with the pain that my baby boy is out there somewhere. Yet, I have to trust that God is good, that He's sovereign and He has a plan to prosper me and to prosper Oleg. 

Oleg age 3 1/2, just months before we were to come for him

In my heart, he will always be my baby. He was taken by a Ukrainian Orthodox Priest to be raised by monks. Never to know the love of a mommy. When people ask me how many children we have, of course the answer is six. But in my heart, there are 7.

Oleg turns 10 in February. And every year I pray for him. Because I also believe that as a mom, the most powerful thing I can do for my children is to pray for them. And even if I can't hold Oleg, or cook for him, or take him to school, or wipe his tears, or laugh with him... I can pray. The best that I could do is all that I can do. And nothing can take that from me.

Failed adoptions are messy, ugly, painful, and publicly miserable.

Maybe you know this pain. Maybe you've known it more than once. I want to encourage you, don't let it make you turn your face from the Lord. May it make you bury your face in His chest. As His child, nothing comes to you that He hasn't allowed. There is purpose in it. You might not know the purpose this side of heaven or if you think you do, you may not like it.

The child that you aren't holding needs you to run to the Lord. Don't let the enemy steal the power of your prayers as well. 

Run to Him. Run to the One who sees your heart and knows your pain and hears your cries. The only peace, comfort, and power you'll find is there. 

~~~

For my birthday last month, my mother-in-law wanted to buy me a piece of jewelry of my choosing. (I'm a little bit Etsy obsessed, and she knows it. :))

And I'd had my eye on a mothers necklace. Simple, no initials or birthstones. Just arrows.

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord... Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one's youth. Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them. Psalm 127:3-5

Six arrows. And one wing, tucked in the middle. For Oleg.

And as a finishing touch, my husband's birthstone hangs from the clasp sealing the necklace. Which is just perfect and made me cry a little bit. ;)

His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts higher than my thoughts. And had I been able to "chose" my family... genders and birthorders and levels of development and adoptive countries... it might have looked a lot different. But I'm so thankful that I couldn't. And that I didn't. And that I still don't. 

"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the Name of the Lord." In all this Job did not sin nor charge God with wrong. Job 1:21-22

I'm not promised tomorrow. I'm not promised that I'll have my home or my husband or my children tomorrow. But in this moment, I'm thankful for what I have. It hurts that Oleg never came home. 6 years later, it still hurts. But through my pain, I want to be like Job. Not sinning or charging God with wrong. But to say with all my heart, blessed be the name of the Lord.

Heart and Home

I've been working on a blog post for a month now and trashed it 3 times.

Summer is *ahem* busy. Not like going places and doing things busy. Just juggling daily life busy. And in the busyness, my heart is stirring. Attacks on Israel. Revival in the church. Prayer for our nation. Burdens for our community. My heart is stirred. I've got an adventure itch and a heaven craving.

But meanwhile in mommyland....................

I wake up every day to kids banging on doors, yelling, crying, laughing or needing to pee. I jump up looking like I've got the virus from World War Z and try to focus my eyes while I pour 4 cereal bowls with one hand, drink coffee with the other and listen to Ashley and Emily simultaneously talking to me. And I must comprehend what they're saying because there will in fact be a quiz at the end. Or at least a, "so can I?" to which I'll need to have an answer.

Then I start the laundry, unload the dishwasher, clean up breakfast, wash 4 faces, break up any fights, and tell Micah for the 3rd time, "no more buddy, breakfast is over."

And like every other day except Sunday, I sweep 15 times, clean the counters 46 times, remind the kids to close the back door 87 times, pick up a toy and toss it into the playroom 329 times and tell some one to "get down" 751 times.

At naptime it just means more of the same thing except its a little quieter and fewer kids are walking behind me spreading around cracker crumbs, grass, and Legos.

Around 4 or 5 I get the "on my way" text from Jake. This is when I realize I haven't changed clothes or looked in a mirror all day, so I run upstairs to clean myself up with a praying-the-kids-don't-burn-the-house-down speed.

Once Jake gets home and we talk about his day (because mine are all the same) while I cook dinner.

Then we eat dinner... well, everyone else does. I hold Kate down in her chair with my right leg while cutting up someone else's food. If I stop to eat dinner myself, I might fall asleep.

After that I clean up dinner and do the dishes. 

By then it's the little kids' assembly-line-bath-time and then bedtime. Bedtime is sort of like the new Planet of the Apes movie when they're still in the big cage together and run in circles around that tree swinging their arms and making whooping noises. Only picture me and Jake in the midst of it, trying to catch/tackle one and wrestle them into pajamas.

Once the apes little ones, fall asleep the big girls want to negotiate bedtime, argue over my iPad, ask if they can have dessert, tell me why they need new clothes or want to switch bedrooms. Eventually they fall asleep. Still talking. And probably dream of more talking.

And then with what little energy I have left, I might take a shower. Or eat ice cream. Whichever seams more important.

And yet.

My heart is stirring.

Better yet, my spirit is willing but my flesh is weak. Its not easy to keep up with whats happening in global news from deep in the trenches of motherhood.

As moms, we have to bounce back and forth from: crying out to the Fathers heart for eternal matters... to solving why one of the kids has reverted to pooping in her bathing suit at the pool. Just keeping it real, people.

Sometimes that back and forth is so intense it makes my head spin.

But I must. I don't have a choice. I have to hold perspective in both worlds. The middle east and mommyland. The White House and the Spencer House. World news and the school newsletter.

If you're reading this and your heart is heavy for a touch from God on our nation... or desperate for a move from Him in your life, house, community and church...

but your house is sprinkled with naked Barbies, plastic food and lego pieces, and your laundry is full of Buzz Lightyear underwear and disney princess nightgowns... If your car looks like this:

You're not alone. I know the juggle well.

But lets rise to the occasion. Lets never forsake pressing in to the Father for our burdens. Lets make sure that the exhaustion of motherhood doesn't cause us to fall into a spiritual slumber. 

Lets run the race, train our children, love our husbands and be strong women who are ready for anything.

A mothers letter

Micah was the first one up this morning. Which isn't uncommon. But there's no school today and Jake was getting ready for church (he leaves before we do). So I went to get Micah up, motioned for him to be quiet and follow me. We both climbed into my bed, each hitting the pillow hard. Without a sound, Micah reached to Jake's nightstand, grabbed the remote and with half-closed eyes, handed it to me. His unspoken, "I want to watch morning cartoons." So I turned on the Sprout channel. A few "Happy Mothers Day" notes scrolled quietly across the bottom of the screen and I remembered it was today. Before the first commercial break Micah was snoring. I smiled and drifted back to sleep.

Last night I was talking with some friends about how our moms call us every year on our birthdays. Mine goes through the whole story of my birth every year. Inevitably I roll my eyes but... I always love it. I told them I wondered if I'd call my kids and do that. And I can't remember my comment exactly but Jake had to stop me and remind me that I didn't actually deliver Micah. I forget that sometimes.

And today, while thinking of all my grandmothers, mom, stepmom, mother in law and mentors.... My mind drifts to a woman I've never met.

I wonder what she looks like? I wonder where she lives now? Did she have other children? She's 44 this year. Her name is Tatyana Borisova. The birth mother of my baby boy.

I wrote her this letter about a year ago but updated it some. *sigh* I'm posting it today... and praying for her.



Dear Tatyana,

As I write this letter, you don't know me. We'll probably never meet. You had your lawyers make sure of that. But I woke up thinking about you this morning. Because you gave birth to my son.

I know that his Down Syndrome was a surprise to you. I know that you were ashamed. I know that you told the doctors you should have sued them because they didn't detect his diagnosis. I know that you said you would have aborted him, had you known. I know that you told your family he died. The orphanage told us everything.

But he didn't die.

He lived for four years shut away in an orphanage. Just a number and a diagnosis.

But he's been adopted. By my husband and I. He has 5 sisters. And friends.

You see, God had a plan for this little boy. A plan to redeem him. To give him a hope and a future. I'm not sure if you named him or the hospital did, but his Ukrainian name was Borisov Pavlo Viacheslovovich. We named him Pavel Micah Spencer. Micah means "Who is like God?"

I want you to know. Your little secret... he's alive.

He's thriving. And he's loved.

I want you to know that I understand what you went through. I too had a baby growing inside of me with no clue that she had Down Syndrome. I too was totally surprised by her diagnosis. I too was scared and confused. But it was all too much for you to handle. And I can only assume it was because you didn't have the power of the Living God to bring you through it.

And now...

It makes my heart so sad to think that you are missing out on all of this. Do you have any idea??? I wish with all my heart that you could see him now.

He's so smart. He can read, write and type. He's great at math and loves science. He's in a regular classroom with an aid. He's the only one with special needs in the class. Actually they're taking a field trip on Tuesday just to cheer him on at his first Special Olympics event.

He's not really speaking. He had no early intervention speech therapy in the orphanage. And they only gave him bottles and babyfood, not allowing his oral motor skills to develop. And because he didn't have a mother talking and singing to him, he didn't have a need to speak back to anyone. But now he's learning to sign and is making some sounds. Everyone is amazed by how quickly he learns and how sharp his problem solving skills are.

He has a great personality. He's so funny and has a contagious, bubbly, raspy, little-boy laugh. He doesn't know a stranger and spreads love without condition. He's known for his hugs and kisses. He forgives immediately and knows no other way. The teachers and kids at school all love him. Everywhere I go in our town, children call out, "Hey that's Micah! He goes to my school!"

Micah loves water. Sprinklers, swimming pools, the ocean... our family vacation to the beach is his favorite time of year. Which I think is funny since he was born in a touristy beach area by the Black Sea.

He's handsome. He has tan skin all year around and has beautiful chocolate brown, almond shaped eyes. I often wonder if he looks like you or your husband. If he favors his grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins...

He's healthy. He's had none of of the medical conditions commonly associated with Down Syndrome. Except that he needs glasses. But do you or your husband have glasses? Does that run in your family? He also is lactose intolerant but that comes from the years living with a parasite at the orphanage. It makes me so sad to think he could have a normal diet, had we gotten to him sooner.

He's in a family who loves him. Adores him, actually. He has 5 sisters who all boss him around. But he doesn't mind at all. He loves the attention.

He has such amazing potential. There's really no telling what all he'll accomplish, if given the chance.

I don't know why, but I need to tell you that I forgive you. My guess is that you are living with an incredible amount of guilt and torment over your secret. Or maybe you aren't. But I've got your little boy. He's safe and he's mine now. And I'm taking good care of him. And loving him as my very own. He may not have grown in my belly but he grew in my heart. And I'll do my best to raise him up into an amazing young man.

And I hope that someday, if you haven't already... you are able to find hope and healing in Christ.

Sincerely,
Amy

Extravagant Prayers

I started praying for my husband when I was 12.

Encouraged by my youth leaders, some Godly friends and let's be honest- Rebecca St. James' self titled album, I was committed to live for The Lord. And to pray for my future husband.

So I made a list of all the qualities my 12 year old mind thought I would want in a husband and I started praying. 

He has to love God first and foremost.

He has to be respectful to his mom.

He has to be honest.

He HAS to make me laugh.

And the list went on. It was quite long actually. Character traits that looked like they added up to just the right man for me. Someday. :) Then at the bottom I added a personal request. Green Eyes. Somehow that one felt like it was too much to ask. It felt like an extravagant prayer. Can I really ask God for that? And isn't it already decided by now?

I prayed weekly, if not nightly, for years. That God would protect him and keep him for me.  I prayed that God would instill these qualities in my future husband and that when I met him, I'd recognize them and know it was him. And I knew it was silly... but ever so often I'd add, "and Lord if You see fit, could he have green eyes?" 

Enter scene: Jake Spencer.

I don't have to tell you that he met every quality on my list. But somehow the thing that blew my mind the most were his green eyes. God answered my prayers. Even the extravagant one.

And it's a reminder to me that my Father loves me. He wants to give me good gifts. He wants to show me how much He loves me.

And that sweet little answered prayer passed down to the next generation. 

Her eyes are a wink from God. He loves me.

God has answered a few extravagant prayers in my life. Beneath-my-breath ones and life-altering ones.

My mom was healed from cancer. That was a pretty extravagant prayer.

This guy came home to us, safe and sound. A gut wrenching plea.

And I still have a couple tucked in my heart. Extravagant prayers. Things deep in my heart. They may seem too big to pray. To far fetched or even too wonderful. And maybe they won't be answered this side of heaven. Or maybe they will.

You know, the Bible is full of extravagant prayers. Prayed by not so extravagant pray-ers.

Because The Lord of creation, the Saviour of our hearts... Has an extravagant love for His children.

~~~

Something happened today while I was writing this post and I don't believe it was a coincidence.

The kids were running through the house and playing. Inside doors and outside doors slamming shut as kids whirl past me singing and laughing and yelling "you're it!" But I stopped when I heard my 4 year old in the hall bathroom, screaming/grunting and pounding her feet on the floor. I opened the door to a full on tantrum. My voice has been gone for the last 3 days from allergies, so I wasn't able to give my admittedly wrong reaction of "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! You're too big to be throwing a tantrum like this!!!" Instead I had to whisper, "what's wrong?" She was so flustered and red faced that she couldn't even get words out to reply. She just pointed at a little tiara on the floor and back at her own head. She'd been trying to get it just right in her hair and it wouldn't stay on. I picked it up, tucked it in her hair, and whispered "there. Next time just ask."

What's the prayer hidden in your heart? What holds you back from praying it? Are you afraid? Are you bitter? Are you scream/grunting and pounding your feet on the floor because you can't do it yourself? The maker of your heart knows what you hold there and He longs for you to talk to Him about it. And He wants to answer your simple prayers and dare I say it... your extravagant ones, if you'll just ask Him and hand it over.

Every good and perfect gift is from above and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning. James 1:17





*Photo credits for the first two pictures, Brandon Chesbro

Let's not lose sight.

I came across this little graphic on Pinterest not too long ago. Its so simple. 

The graphic is imperfect and messy. 

The message is inspiring and beautiful. 

I love it.

I made it the lock screen on my phone, just as a constant reminder. And because, lets be honest, my phone is one of the places I get distracted the most.

These words are direct. And they redirect me.

There is much to be done. Losing sight distracts us. And when we are distracted, we don't press on towards the goal.

There's much to be done at home. This house of eight is a machine. I wish I could say it was well oiled. But its got lots of moving parts, and many affect another, for better or for worse. As a homekeeper, its my job to make sure that it stays clean and organized. Which is a full time job alone. But it's also important that I make sure the children stay on top of their chores. That I teach the little ones to do new chores. That I wash all the laundry, fold all the laundry and put all the laundry away. That I pay the bills, plan the meals, make the grocery lists, file the coupons, buy the groceries, buy the birthday gifts, make the casseroles for friends and neighbors, fill out the school paperwork, filter the internet research for the science project, write the check for the school fundraiser, sign the folders for the kids, and pack the lunches for ones who need it. Organize the medical bills, stay on top of the insurance EOBs, schedule checkups at the doctor, dentist, and eye doctor for all 8 of us once a year. Pick up the shoes, kick the toys back into the playroom, find the remote, fill the sippy cups, change the diapers (though not for long!), cook the dinner, clean the dishes, book the babysitter, and write her the check when we get home. Whew! To name a few things. ;)

Home requires physical work, and that's my job. But if I lose sight of it, I'll drop the ball somewhere. All my days are scheduled with different tasks. If I get distracted, those tasks don't get done in time and our home suffers because of it. 

There's much to be done for my family. I am the only wife Jake has. I'm his confidant. I'm his helpmate. I'm his only lover. My heart and my mind need to be available for him. As in: not being spent and irritated and pulling out my hair at the end of the day, because its the only time he see's me. He needs me to trust him. As in: not be defensive in conversation, not nag him to do things, and not question his side of the story. He needs me to be respectful to him. And he loves me back by honoring me and providing for me. By being my confident, lover, and best friend. This relationship affects... everything. So its worth a weighty investment. Of focus.

*Before I keep going, a disclaimer: Parenting is a partnership in this house. But this post is about what happens if I personally lose focus. And while I am not solely responsible for the upbringing of our children, Jake entrusts me with these things while he's physically at work all day. This is from my perspective as a mother.*

The kids need me to train them up in the way of the Lord. The older girls need me to listen to their every story... excitedly. ;) They need me to dance with them in the kitchen as we all clean up from dinner, and cry with them when they're hurt by the words of friends and enemies. They're completely aware of their need for Christ at this age, and I'm their number one mentor. Their self image will be based largely on my own. I'm still cool and fun enough to be begged to go on field trips or braid their hair or join them in devotions... I pray I'm always cool enough, but it will take careful nurturing of our relationships now. Micah and Abby need me to be their advocate at school. They need me to make sure that their many needs, physical and emotional, are met. I have to be able to recognize stimming and watch for cues that they need a sensory break. I have to battle through the delay in verbal skills. And wipe away tears that I don't understand, while fighting back my own. The littler girls (aside from their basic needs which mostly depend on me) need me to get back the toy their sibling stole, read to them, kiss their boo boo's, sing to them at night, and teach them that there are no monsters because the God sets his angels charge over us. Its my job to calm the tantrum and determine the consequence. I have to teach them that Jesus loves them first and foremost, that Daddy is their hero and mine, and that I will always be their mommy.

If I get distracted or lose sight of any of these things, they don't get done. Which isn't an option. Because the spiritual, physical and emotional needs of my family are critically important. Lord help me to to never lose sight.

There is much to be done for the Kingdom of Heaven. Christ is coming soon. He will return in glory to get His bride and I want to be ready. I want everyone around me to be ready. My husband is in full time ministry and I need to do everything I can to support that. And for me personally: my disciples are the 6 small people that live in my house. And I pray that my heart and my home are ever open to my community. Ready to serve with love and joy.

Current thieves of my focus. Pinterest is awesome. Any of my closest friends will tell you, I start several conversations with, "I saw this thing on Pinterest..." It’s extremely helpful to me in homekeeping. Recipes, cleaning tips, decorating ideas, inspiring scriptures... I've already said, I found the above graphic on Pinterest! But it literally profits me nothing if I sit and stare at it all day. Its merely a distraction. 

Facebook creates good community. I don't even know where I'd be without my adoption and Down Syndrome groups. But when I have (what I believe to be) a clever, interesting, or funny thought, posting it to Facebook shouldn't be my first reaction. 

Instagram is fun. Pictures are worth a thousand words and I am a wanna-be photog with some seriously cute kids. But I can check it every 2 or 3 days and stay caught up. And not everyone needs to see everything we do. 

I love me some good blogs. But I have to carve out a set time (and ending time) to read them, or I'll get distracted.

Even the tasks of my home can be a distraction for me. Like spending so much time deep cleaning that the kids are doing who knows what. Or vice versa. I could lay on the floor reading or playing dolls with the babies all day, but if my husband gets home and the house is a wreck, I look disgusting, and there's no dinner... yeah, no. 

So it’s got to be about balance. And focus. On the one who sets these tasks before me.

"And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance: for you serve the Lord Christ." Colossians 3:23, 24 

"And let us not grow weary of doing good. For in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart." Galatians 6:9

Father may I never lose sight of Your will for me. Keep my eyes open and focused on the task that lay ahead of me. Every day, every hour. As I serve my home and my family, remind me that I'm serving you.

"I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me.... I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:12, 14

There is still much to be done. Let's not lose sight.