Strands of Grace: Abby's Birth Story

Abby is the reason I started this blog. Plain and simple. When she was born, I was a young mom in a pre-facebook/instagram/social media savvy world, looking for help. I scoured the internet for wisdom. There was a medical website here and there, information about Down Syndrome that I found helpful. Kind of. But what helped me the most, in ways more powerful than I can say, was reading blogs. Nothing high traffic with ads and links. Just straight forward, not fancy, mommy blogs. Confessions of real people with real problems and real joys sharing their stories. It made me feel normal when my whole world had turned... anything but normal.

As sort of a thank you to the abyss, a means of paying it forward, and an avenue to share the testimony of our lives, I started my own blog. Sharing the adventure of life with Abby. And so much more. :)

Here I am 1 decade later. Life is (I can't help but laugh out loud!) different!! Oh so different...

In honor of our precious Abigail Grace and her 10th birthday, this is my story of her birth. 

My hope that this brings comfort to those who've also walked this road. You're not alone.

This story is a memorial stone. At the time, I had no idea what lay ahead. When I reflect on it, I'm reminded of all the things that Abby has taught me and how much we've grown together. But what's more, I'm overwhelmed with the great faithfulness of Christ. Strands of His love, grace, provision are woven through our story. Thanks for reading.

~~~

I was 23. Married for 4 years, we had a 3 year old and a 1 year old. My pregnancy was marked by nausea and low weight gain, just like the others before it. Every ultrasound perfect and beautiful, I was expecting a healthy baby girl.

There was no need to do any extra testing for birth defects. I was so young and my 2 other pregnancies and deliveries were picture perfect. So far, this one was on track to be the same. So far.

In my 3rd trimester, my belly wasn't measuring big enough. Although that was typical for me, nothing to worry about there. Especially with the lack of weight gain. At 36 weeks, I was only 7 lbs over my start weight. I had lost a lot of weight from aallll the morning sickness before I started adding any. But the doctor said my belly was measuring small as well at that checkup, so we did another ultrasound to be sure everything was ok.

I marveled at the technology as I watched the ultrasound tech measure the blood flow in the umbilical cord. Everything looked great. She looked and looked but couldn't find any problems. Except one minor thing. The baby was only estimated to be 4 lbs. 6 oz., which is really too small for a baby at 36 weeks gestation.

Once I was back in the exam room with my OB, she went over the results of the ultrasound. "Everything looks great. She's pretty small but we can't find the reason why. And it doesn't look like she's gaining at the rate we'd like to see. At this point, I think she will grow outside of the womb better than in. Momma's milk will do her lots of good." She smiled and reassured me. "Go home and pack on as many calories as you can. And we'll induce you in one week, once her lungs will be considered full term." In a last ditch effort, I went home and ate everything in sight! For a busy mom with 2 other babies at home, that's not an easy task! But I was diligent. And we scheduled the induction for November 9, 2006.

Between two sets of parents, aunts, uncles and friends, arrangements were made for Ashley and Emily. We headed into the hospital early that morning and started the process. They started Pitocin, gave me an epidural and we had the company of friends and family to help us pass the time until baby came! We talked and laughed and took pictures. Oh the joy of a not-natural labor! Haha! Sometime that afternoon, as I knew it was getting closer, everyone gave us a little space so I could rest and gear up for delivery. I rested, so peacefully, for a good little bit.

Little did I know, I would wake up to the beginning of what felt like a nightmare.

Sharp pains jolted me awake. This was not my first epidural and I knew that the pain shouldn't be this strong. Jake called for a nurse. She looked everything over and said that the epidural line looked good but for some reason it was "wearing off". At the height of another sharp pain, another nurse confirmed that they had no more time to investigate the epidural, it was time to push. Perfect.

Of all of my 5 babies, that birth was the most painful. Thankfully, it was also the fastest. Minutes later, at 6pm, Abigail Grace Spencer was born. At 5 lbs. 5 oz. Those last calories paid off!

Abigail Grace.

The nurses didn't hand her to me immediately, the way I had expected. They looked her over for a lot longer than I was comfortable with. "Her apgar score isn't what we want it to be. She keeps holding her breath. A lot of babies do this, it's ok. She'll be ok." Just give. her. to. me.

Once they felt she was stable enough, I held her as family members came in the room, a couple at a time. She was definitely less responsive than I remember the first two being but I really didn't give it a lot of thought. There's no better feeling than finally holding your baby in your arms. A sort of God given force field of protection emits from new mothers, covering their babies She's beautiful. She's here. She's mine. It's over. 

It wasn't.

Still in the delivery room, preparing to be moved to recovery, Jake was called out of the room. When he came back in, his face was... concerned. His voice went into a gentle but game-plan tone. Our girls, Ashley (age 3) and Emily (age 17 months) had been staying with friends and family. "They're rushing Emily to the emergency room downstairs. She's running a fever of 105." The blood drained from his face as he finished his sentence. "What do you want me to do," it was more of a statement than a question. We both knew that if he went to be with Emily, which he must, he couldn't come back to me. To Abby. 

An involuntary rush surged through me to rip out my IV's and get in an elevator, hospital gown and all. That was my baby down there. Maybe not the one I just gave birth to, but nevertheless, MY BABY. And she needed me.

I took a breath. We would have to divide and conquer. I expected that we would do that a lot over the years, having so many little ones close in age. I didn't expect to do it right now, in such a vulnerable state. "Just go. I love you."

The next little bit was a blur. They moved me to a recovery room. My mom was there. And I was praying. For my babies. A flood of post-delivery emotions: elation, fear (for Emily), joy, pain (from delivery), but mostly love. Looking at Abby, I was in love all over again.

All that I really know is that they ran tests on Emily, gave her fluids and meds to bring the fever down, and it was never fully diagnosed. Once she was stable, later that night, she was released and Jake took her home.

It was late when we heard a knock on the door of my room. My mom got up and shook the doctors hand. I recognized her as one of the pediatricians from our office. It's 10pm. I don't remember the pediatrician ever visiting us this late after delivery. She was kind, gentle and professional. "I just looked over your baby. She looks great. She's beautiful, congratulations." She went on to list things she was looking for and a sort of status on each. I was so tired, I was struggling to keep up but trying to understand each point. "... And those are the things that we keep an eye on with Down Syndrome."

Silence.

I vaguely remember my mom saying something to the effect that we weren't aware she had Down Syndrome. I think she apologized and thought we already knew. WE DIDN'T.

Have you ever seen an intense scene in a movie, where the picture is faded at the edges and you see a sequence of events happening but all you can hear is a heartbeat? That's what I felt for the next... well, a long time. What do you mean my baby has Down Syndrome? Are you even sure? How do you know? Don't speak that over my baby! She's perfect! I don't even know that I know what Down Syndrome is! Why are you saying this? Stop! I don't think any of those words reached my mouth. The doctor continued to speak. All heard was my own heartbeat.

Jake was in the car on his way home from what had to have been the longest day ever. On a dark interstate, with a sleeping 17 month old in his back seat, he got a call from me. "Babe. We just saw the doctor. They're saying that Abby has Down Syndrome." And I cried. "It's going be ok. We can do this. Let me get Emily home with my mom and I'll be back to the hospital."

The next day I asked that the doctors to do whatever testing need to be done to be sure. I now know that was a karyotype. They said they would order the test, but I could hear in their voices that it was pointless. They knew. Everyone knew. She had Down Syndrome. I don't have a problem with Down Syndrome. I knew a little boy with Down Syndrome in Awanas when I was a kid. I have a problem with my baby having it. Other families have kids with special needs. Just not me. Special people. I'm not special. I don't want to be special.

We had a flood of visitors in the hospital. Word spread I guess, and friends, family and church members came and went constantly. And because Abby had jaundice, we were there for a few days longer than usual. There was a wide range of reactions.

Some people cried. They told me it would be ok. What does that even mean?? We're fine. She's fine. I just had a baby.

Some people tried to identify by telling us about friends they knew who had Down Syndrome or other special needs. That's nice. I don't care about your friend. We aren't them. I just had a baby. Can we talk about HER and how great she's doing? (These are not my most honorable moments and thoughts and I'm not proud of them. But if I'm honest, that's what went through my head at the time.)

Some people told me that I needed to cry. That they were concerned that it wasn't "hitting me yet". To this day, I don't know... I'm not sure if it did or not. Maybe I should have cried more? I was processing. I had no idea how to handle the information I'd been given. I didn't know what life would look like for me or for my little girl. Ever. I just knew that I loved Abby. And that she had just been changed and her next feeding would be in 2 hours. That part was easy and felt right. The rest was completely uncertain. And terrifying.

Some people congratulated us. I'll never forget the friends that came in, elated. All smiles, they would scoop Abby up, tell me how beautiful she was, and congratulate me. It was like a balm for my soul. I soaked it in.

At one point our pastor told Jake something that I'll never forget. He said, "people are going to say dumb things. It's going to happen. Just know that they mean well, they just don't know what to say." That helped me so much. I knew that in my heart, but I needed someone to say it. It gave me a level of grace for people... even if they said something unhelpful, even hurtful, I was able to see through to their hearts and know that they loved us and meant well. And that's what mattered. (That has been so helpful to me over the years.)

One week later, with Abby Grace weighing in at 5 lbs. 1 oz, we left the hospital. They had us go to Vanderbilt first, just to double check her heart. Most kids with DS have heart issues. We knew she didn't, that's one of the reasons she wasn't diagnosed prenatally. Her heart was totally healthy.

When we got home, we took our first deep breath as a family of five. In my mind, I knew life was going to look different. This wasn't going to be an easy road. I'd heard words like therapy, early intervention and specialists. But all of that melted away like butter every time I looked at my sweet baby. She was just a tiny little love nugget. She had that amazing new baby smell. And wispy blond hair, just on top. And smooth skin. And she nursed like a pro. (Which they told me was actually not common.) She's already rocking this thing. We're going to be just fine. They don't know about us. We'll show them.

~~~

I never understood when people would talk about all they "learned" from their family member or friend with special needs. Now I get it. I've learned SO. MUCH. from Abby.

I've learned to treasure today. What's in front of me. Tomorrow or what it holds isn't guaranteed.

I've learned that I'm stronger than I'd ever dreamed.

I've learned that Abby's only limitations are the ones I put on her.

I've learned that together, Jake and I are a powerhouse. God put us together, and the world had better just watch out.

I've learned that's in those places when you're most paralyzed by fear and uncertainty, that's where God takes over. You only have to surrender to Him.

I've learned that Down Syndrome is just a diagnosis. It's a small part of who my daughter is. It affects... almost everything in her life. But it doesn't define her.

Halfway through my pregnancy, I felt the Lord tell me that her name would be Abigail Grace.

Abigail means the Joy of the Father. In the Bible, Abigail was one of the wives of David. The King James Version describes her as having good understanding and a beautiful countenance.

The first two things that the world would try to tell me about DS is that it would affect her appearance and her cognitive ability. God says otherwise. He says she's fearfully and wonderfully made. That He has plans to give her a hope and future. God reminds me every day through her very name, that she has a good understanding and a beautiful countenance. She is the Joy of her Father, on earth and in Heaven.

Today she turns ten. Ten long years since that crazy night. My hopes for the kind of life Abby might lead... the kind of hopes every mother has for her baby... were taken away that night. But the Lord has redeemed them with new hopes and dreams.

Wrapped up in one beautiful little girl,

God taught me that sometimes,

when we can't see what's ahead,

He pulls us close,

replaces our sorrow with pure joy,

and a peace that passes understanding.

It feels silly to me now that I was so upset and afraid of her diagnosis. It's almost embarrassing. But it was so real to me at the time. It's my story, for better or worse. 

Today we have a beautiful, intelligent, kindhearted 10 year old who loves big and enjoys life!

Just like the last, I expect the next 10 years to be full of joy, fear, determination, victories, setbacks, and exploration of the unknown. I expect Abby to dance through life and continue to completely amaze us. And I know that my faithful God will continue to weave His strands of Grace through our story, continuing a good work in us until the day of Christ Jesus.

For you created my inmost being;

    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made!

Psalm 139:103-14

To learn more about Down Syndrome, click the tab "Down Syndrome" at the top of my blog. To read more about our life with sweet Abbs, click the link on the sidebar: Parent of kids with DS

Eleven Years Ago Today

Eleven years ago today.... I was a 22 year old wife and mom of an almost 2 year old. And I was VERY pregnant with my second baby, 2 weeks out from my due date. The pregnancy was going well, much like my first one.

My first trimester was marked by nausea, it was all I could do to keep food down. And in my last trimester the doctor said my water was a little low. But I was also probably a little dehydrated. It was June after all.

My friends had just thrown me a sweet little baby shower. They went in together to get me matching bedding because my two little girls would be sharing a room. (I’ll never forget those beautiful pink and green Pottery Barn roses.)

I was thrilled that my little Ashley was going to have a sister. I would sing to my belly and rock my squirmy baby knowing that time was ticking until I could hold her in my arms.

Meanwhile on the other side of the world…

A 35 year old Ukrainian woman named Tatiana was in a hospital in Odessa in the final hours of labor. She was having her firstborn, a son. She was probably filled with excitement as every new mom is.

Maybe she had spent months fighting morning sickness. Maybe she was drinking tons of water to stay hydrated through her June due date. Maybe she had just had a baby shower, filling a nursery with blue. Maybe she would rock her belly and sing.

She was in a bit of a touristy vacation destination. So maybe she was on one last beach trip with her husband before becoming parents when the unexpected happened and her water broke.

Or it’s possible they lived there, wealthy enough to own a condo on the beach. Maybe she had her bags packed right by the door and as her husband lovingly timed her contractions, they decided it was time to go in.

But there she was, June 4, 2005, in the hospital. Each painful contraction would bring her a bit closer to seeing the face of her baby. But things took a drastic turn for the worst after he was born. The doctors announced for the first time that he had Down Syndrome. And fear set in.

I know that because fear makes people do crazy things. And Tatiana turned away her own son.

All I know for sure is that she told the doctors she would have aborted him if she had known. She spewed empty threats to sue the doctors. And in a final act of fear, she left him there. Tatiana and her husband told their families that he died at birth, and sent their lawyer back to pay his bills and confirm that they would never be contacted again. And that was the end of it.

That precious baby boy was taken to an orphanage where he would live without the love of a mother, a family. for four. long. years.

I’ve asked God many times over the years why He didn’t unite us sooner. And this side of Heaven, I won’t have an answer. I just squeeze MY son tight and pray it makes up for lost time. And I give glory to God that He is a redeemer who loves Micah, chose him to be ransomed into a wild family of girls, where he would be the only son. Where he gets to be Daddy’s only boy and the super hero protector to 5 sisters. His diagnosis doesn’t define him. It’s a small part of who he is. He is loved, cherished and adored.

It’s not always sunshine and roses. My heart didn’t immediately attach to him. But slowly, the grafting process happened. And now, my heart catches in my throat when he smiles. He’s mine. I get to be his mom. We get to be a part of his redemption story. The other kids get a picture of how God adopts us and grafts us in. He’s no different than they are. They’re all equally my babies.

Today I'm a 33 year old wife and mom of 6 kids ages 12, 11, 10, 9, 6 and 4.

Today, as we celebrate Micah's birthday, I have 4 specific prayers in my heart.

I pray for Tatiana. That her heart would be healed. If only I could show her how amazing he is. I pray that she would find Christ if she hasn’t already.

I pray that Micah’s story is a testament to the goodness of God. We serve a God who loves the least and the last. To give them a hope and a future. To set the lonely in families. We serve a God who redeems.

I pray that Down Syndrome awareness would grow. That women would be informed and not afraid when they receive that diagnosis. I wish I could look in the eyes of women who’s baby have Down Syndrome and tell them that it’s just a thing. Their baby has such a bright future if they will just embrace it and remember that they are your baby first.

Last but not least, I pray for my big, strong, 11 year old boy. That God would continue to pour out blessings on him. That he would grow in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man. That he would feel he love of God and serve Him all of his days.

Can't keep a good man down

Yesterday my little buddy went in to have his tonsils and adenoids out.

Micah has had crazy large tonsils. This summer he had a sleep study done which showed that he had severely obstructive sleep apnea. This child snores louder than a grown man, tosses all night and apparently his oxygen was dropping to 85.

So yesterday was his surgery to have it all removed. The doctor told Jake after surgery that his tonsils were blocking 50% and his adenoids 60%. Poor kid!

I was able to visit him for a couple hours post-op, but because Micah is such a daddy's boy, Jake stayed with him the whole time. I ran the kids to and from school, praying all the way... and my sweet friend brought us dinner because my brain couldn't think about anything but my baby boy in the hospital.

Micah did pretty good yesterday, he slept off most of it. His heart rate and oxygen were both a little low, but nothing too concerning. He stayed overnight because that's pretty much standard for kids with Down Syndrome. But Jake said that since he slept all day he was up a lot last night.

Now, if you know Micah, he is very independent. He doesn't like things to be done for him, he wants to be treated like any 10 year old (going on 30). The nurse came in early, early this morning and told Jake that they were going to start getting him ready to go including removing his IV, etc. After she left, Jake dozed off. When she came back, Micah had quietly removed the big hard sleeve that covers his cords, removed the IVs, laid them all out neatly on the bed and was covered up laying down again. Ha!! She told him, "Buddy, next time you have to let me do it!" Then Jake went into the restroom to clean up and get dressed and when he came out, Micah had gotten himself dressed down to his socks and shoes. Sweet guy was ready to go home!

I was so happy to have my boys home. I made them some breakfast and turned on a movie for Micah. Then I left them to run and get Micah's prescription. When I got home, Jake was upstairs getting ready for work and Micah was in the kitchen-- unloading the dishwasher. "Dude! You don't have to do that! Go lay down buddy!" I said. He shook his head "no," and waved me off to the other room while he finished.

He's going to be on some heavy duty meds at least until Thursday. I think my biggest challenges are going to be keeping him hydrated and keeping him from overdoing it!

Next up, Abby Grace at the end of September! But I have a feeling my little diva princess will be on the couch milking it for as long as she can.  ♥

Gray Patches

At first I thought it was the angle and reflection of the lighting in my bathroom.

Or hey, it's summer. We go to the pool all the time. Maybe it's just a little natural streaking from the sun. My girls all have that.

It could also be the white blonde of my childhood coming back.... 

No wait. It's the dry shampoo. Yep. That's it. Need to find a better brand that doesn't leave my hair white.

Then one night as we were having dinner, the kids and I were teasing Jake about how much gray is in his beard now. Then my loving husband turned the finger back around and pointed out ... I've got not only a gray hair, but a whole patch of gray.

What. In. The. World. I'm going gray.

I'm not a part of the selfie generation so excuse the poor quality. I feel I should get points for even telling you about it much less trying to capture it in a picture. But that, my friends, is a section of white strands.

I'm telling you what. If stress causes gray hair (because I'm certainly not old enough to start having gray *wink*), I know what caused mine. His name is Micah.

~~~

On the fourth of July our culdesac was packed. Kids of all ages on bikes and scooters. Some of the usual faces and some added friends and family visiting for the 4th. The air smelled like BBQ and the sky was faintly smokey from the nearby neighbors pre-testing fireworks. All the kids had on some sort of red, white or blue and were excited about the festivities to come.

Late in the afternoon I called all my kids in. I couldn't watch them anymore because I needed to make dinner so we brought the toys in, closed the garage door and they all crashed in the living room. At some point we heard the garage door open again. I looked up to see who it was and one of the kids said it was Emily getting something from the car. I didn't think much of it and went back to cooking.

A short while later came an aggressive knock at the door. I ran to open it and it was a neighbor from down the street... There to return my son.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to throw up or cry. My son with special needs was gone and I didn't even know it. I wanted to crawl in a hole. To shut down my blog, turn in my PTO membership, resign from the church women's board, close my FB account and hand in my proverbial mom card. All I could think was, I am a failure as a mother.

Micah isn't like just any child. He has Down Syndrome but what's more, he is nonverbal. He can make some sounds but he can't even say is own name. And when he's not in the midst of his structured routine, he gets-- distracted. Unfocused. That's the best I can describe it. But he's also extremely smart and understands everything he hears. A lot of kids who are "flight risks" have autism, but Micah doesn't. He's just very curious, headstrong and he can figure out how to get himself into a variety of messes, he just can't figure out how to get out of them. There's just no telling what would have happened if that neighbor hadn't recognized him.

The nightmarish "what ifs" and the never ending "if only I'd".... I won't even go through them now. I won't speak them out now because the path of "what ifs" only leads to self-condemnation, depression  and fear. That day is over now. God protected him. Thank you God for protecting him.

He hasn't wandered in years. He used to. But he hasn't even tried in a long long time. The best I can figure is that the friends in the culdesac cleared and he went to find them for more playtime. And since he can't ask me, he didn't.

So the very next day, I ordered this.

He used to have a metal ID bracelet (Abby still has hers) with his name and my number on it. But he broke the chain and I hadn't replaced it yet. (Another if only...) I found this one on FB and it has room for so much more information and it's more comfortable. Abby is still fine with her chain, so we'll keep it for now. But this will be what we order for her next.

Nothing will EVER replace the watchful eye we have to keep on Micah (or any of our kids for that matter, of course!) but in an emergency situation, I know he'll have the information he needs on his person. That bracelet is now a part of my son, 24/7.

~~~

The funny thing about my little patch of gray is that it's usually hidden. It's under my side swept bangs. I have to pull them back to see it. I'm not even intentionally hiding it, that's just where it is.

The funny thing about the stress on parents of children with special needs is that it's usually hidden. We're just making ourselves presentable, we don't even do it intentionally. "More alike than different" as the World Down Syndrome Motto goes, and it's true. But what's hidden underneath is the gray patch. The tell-tale sign of worry, stress, exhaustion over our children. 

And you know, we wouldn't have it any other way.

If I continue to strive and fight for my kids, they'll reach higher goals, live better lives. I'm never going to stop striving. If I am continually on my toes, I can better protect my children. Forbid that I ever let my guard down. We don't even have a choice. We will fight and protect. Its what we do. But all the fight, all the protecting, leaves us with a feathery, snow white patch of premature aging. Beautiful strands of wisdom for tomorrow. We've earned it, friends. Actually, I think I might start wearing my hair back more. 

~~~





If you or someone you know has a child that wanders, here are some resources I've found. Thankfully there's a lot out there now, but these are some that I have personally heard testimonials about. I hope this helps you narrow down your own search for a product that fits you and your child(ren). And if you have a product that helps your family, please feel free to share it in the comments below. Lastly, I encourage you to find a church group, other special needs parents from school or work, FB groups, whatever- to walk this parenting thing out with you. Don't keep hiding the gray and doing it alone.

1) Safe Baby
For my local friends. We knew from Day 1 with Micah that he was a wanderer so we had our friend Buck at Safe Baby come do "the works" to each of the houses we've lived in since he's been home. Child safety locks on the doors, baby gates, whatever was necessary to keep the kids in and safe.

2) Alert Me Bands Bracelet
This is what Micah has (photo above) and we plan to buy one for Abby next. Its low cost (abo $26), fits a ton of information, he can't get it off and it does have cute dinosaurs (a print I chose) but his wrist is so small, we had to tighten it too much for the print to show.

3) Make Me This Bracelet
I bought Micah and Abby each one of these. Its a metal ID bracelet with a design on the front and their information inside. Micah did break his but after a couple of years of wear. Abbys is still going strong, occasionally I check to make sure the inscription has't worn flat. For $9.95 you can't beat it.

4) If I Need Help QR Code in a variety of forms
This is a service that creates a personal data base and a QR code that can be purchased on a shoe tag, ID card, window cling, dog tags, you name it! In an emergency, anyone with a smart phone can scan the QR code and pull up any critical information that you would want them to have.

5) Amber Alert GPS Wearable GPS system
There are several child GPS systems but if we ever have the resources, I'd chose this one. The features take full advantage of modern technology for peace of mind for parents like us. 

These 3 girls

I had these 3 girls in just over 3 years. These 3 girls were each surprises. I thought each of them was going to be a boy, but perfectly and beautifully knit by God, these 3 girls made me a "girl mom".

These 3 girls are the ones that made me a mom of "3 kids under 4". These 3 are the ones who taught me that I could juggle babies. These 3 are the ones who made me fall in love with the juggle and want to juggle more. These 3 are the ones who paved the way for the 3 that would come 3 years later.

~~~

Today I had to take Abby to the children's hospital for an X-Ray to see if her Atlantoaxial instability had changed at all in preparation for spring Special Olympics. And there were some other errands to be run, and the big girls wanted to get out of the house. So Dad stayed home with the others and we spent the day together. Me and these 3 girls.

We shopped, talked, laughed, had lunch with Nana, and ran our errands.

And at one point, when we were at the hospital, I couldn't help but remembering when they were the only 3. When we would come to this same hospital for Abby as a baby.

Then, I had a double stroller, baby bjorn, diaper bag and 3 tiny girlies.

Today I had 3 beautiful, thinned out young girls walking next to me with wonderful manners to the nurses and smiles for passing patients. My wise, maternal Ashley... faithful, funny Emily... and loving, joyful Abby. As they watched the fish pond, I watched them. And I thought my heart might explode.

They don't remember life when they were the only kids in our family. Nor would I want them too. But I do. And it felt like yesterday.

~~~

When we got home I was greeted at the door by my strong, silent Micah... my sweet, gentle Mabry... and my wild, sassy Kate. These 3 more pieces of my heart outside my body.

The 3 girls poured into the mix from behind me and it was like watching water mix with water. Hugs and stories and the oldest with the youngest on her hip. All my sweet children. A family that is perfectly and beautifully knit together by God.

It's not easy to have a big family. To have 6 kids 8 years apart and 2 with special needs. 5 girls and 1 boy. Lots of drama and never a dull moment.

But if you see me looking tired, just know that I love this juggle. I wanted it, the Lord blessed me with it, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm the one who gets to watch these babies transform into people. I get to pray for their owies and disciple them to love Jesus.

The days are long but the years fly by. And I've learned so much.... they've grown so much... since I had just these 3 girls.

A {{special needs}} mom

I shared this photo the other day on FB. As names of friends who "liked" this pic popped up... friends who have their own special kids... tears filled my eyes, thinking about each one of them and the strength they have. Some are close friends and some I know only through online groups. But we all know. We all get it. The things we go through that only other special needs moms and dads know about.

Good ol Rosie the Riveter

45 lb. 7 year olds throwing tantrums on the floor and needing to be carried to bed. Putting on your 9 year old's socks and shoes because he never gets the socks straight or the shoes on the right feet. Shedding silent tears because your 2nd grade daughter is telling you something about her school day and though you've asked her to repeat it several times, you still don't understand what she's saying and you're both frustrated. The knot in your stomach when a special education teacher emails to say they want to make an "IEP addendum".

But there's another thing we parents have in common. The indescribable high of the child you fight so hard for... accomplishing something new. Being a little more independent. Sure, other kids their age did it long ago. Your younger children did it long ago. But when you've sat for hours on the floor of a therapy room with a baby in leg braces, anything she accomplishes in life makes you want to jump up and cheer and then stop to ugly cry.

Micah and Abby ride the special ed. bus. Every morning at 8:05 we go out to our porch. They settle in to wait on the top step, adjusting the weight of their backpacks behind them. And I look up, 2 houses down and watch the group of kids and parents waiting at the bus stop together. Their bus comes first and I watch it load up and pull away as a few moms linger and talk.

Then our bus comes. It pulls into our culdesac, backing up a time or two to make it around the circle, stopping right at the driveway. Micah runs straight to the bus door while Abby and I walk the long way around on our sidewalk because she has an aversion to getting her shoes wet in the dewy grass. The size, noise and vibration of the bus are overwhelming to their senses, so it makes Micah extra hyper and it makes Abby extra scared. Because of her fear and low muscle tone, I help/push Abby up the steps onto the bus and tell Micah to settle down in his seat. The full size bus is nearly empty, its just the driver, an aid (sweet Mrs Joyce) and two other kids besides mine.

"I love you, have a good day!!"  I stand in the yard and wave at the two pieces of my heart on that bus. 

And then its gone.

And I hope that their aids will give me good updates in their communication log so I can know how their day goes.

But this year, I've made a goal of getting them to walk to the bus without me. Every day this school year, I've been trying to slowly stand back and encourage Micah and Abby to get on the bus themselves. First I only took them to the mail box. Then a few weeks (with a few days of exception, when Abby wouldn't have it) of just taking them as far as the yard.

Today I stayed on the porch...
they walked together...
got on the bus...
and it pulled away without any assistance from me.

Accomplishments for Micah and Abby mean a world of unspoken joy, pride and tears for Mom. And I go back in my house feeling like I am, in fact, Rosie the riveter.

My M's

Fun fact: Micah and Mabry are both "M"s because even though they came from different countries and at different ages (birth and age 4) they both joined our family the same year, just 3 months apart. The Lord had promised me two babies the fall before and every time I call their names together, I'm reminded that God is faithful to fulfill His promises. 

In trying to take that last pic today, these two were cracking. themselves. up. The whole time. And the laughter pics are just as sweet as the final shot, so I have to share some of those too. ;)

Support Your Local Youth Pastor

In 36 hours I'll be at the Nashville Airport.

I'm not sure which is the bigger shocker here: that I'm going to Italy or that I'm going to be away from my family for fourteen days. My dad and stepmom are taking me and my sister on vacation!!!!

Its a long story, but I haven't seen my half sister in about 15 years. We were 6 and 16. And now, we're going on vacation to all catch up. For two weeks. Gallivanting through Italy. I mean is that the coolest family trip/reunion ever or what?? Its enough to make me want to use the word gallivanting again.

But lets get back to the mom-with-six-kids-under-eleven-and-two-have-special-needs-is-leaving-them-all-with-dad-for-two-weeks thing.

I feel like I should preface this by saying: I married super man. Or super dad. While some of our friends boast that they've never changed a poopy diaper- this guy has changed literally hundreds of diapers. And cleaned poop out of the carpet at 3am more than a few times. He's the guy that could write a small essay on the babywise nap/feeding schedule philosophy. He can give the babysitter full instructions while I'm still putting on make-up for a date night, and usually remembers to give more (and better) information than I do. He never calls to bug me when I go for a moms-night-out with my friends. And hey, he can settle tween girl sister drama.... I mean that alone should win some sort of peace prize.

But all that being said. I've never left all 7 of them together alone for two weeks.

So I've been prepping. Except this whole week before I'm gone, Jake's been gone at summer camp. And he's doing a two part sermon series for our church while our Senior pastor is out of town. (You can check out part 1 by clicking here.) Most of my "prepping" for the single-dad weeks had to be done before the single-mom week.

This. Is my master notebook that I've prepared for them.

Don't laugh. I've been working on this notebook for a few weeks and I finished it today.

~A calendar for the kids so they know what to expect on what days (I think my kids all kids do better when they know what to expect

~The weekly dinner plan

~Phone numbers: Emergency #'s, Ash and Em's friends' moms for scheduling play dates, neighbors, and the handful of people that can handle--and are willing to help with--Micah and Abby.

~List of who's babysitting and when (so that Jake can go into work some, though he's mostly working from home)

~Ashley and Emily's daily responsibility charts (because they know they're going to have to step it up a notch to help out while I'm gone)

Also, I stocked up the freezer with dinners for 2 weeks. Yesterday I cooked from 9am to 3pm without stopping. Which was only possible because of my rock star 8 and 10 year olds who entertained the four littles, helped me feed them lunch, and put them down for naps for me. Mini moms in training. 

That last picture is twice baked potatoes. I'm clarifying because it sort of looks like a body in our freezer.

Oh and I also had to pack for myself. Which I finished a couple days ago.

Not that I'm anxious or anything.

So no, I'm not in the hospital, or even off on some missions trip. I'm on vacation with my dad, sister, and stepmom. But if you think of it, pray for my husband and kids back home. 

Or if you're local, maybe call to see if you could pick up a kid. Or. 4. Or maybe you could drop off a pizza on the porch. Because these guys might need a hand without mom around the next two weeks. Anything you can think of to support your local youth pastor. ;)

[Always] New Territory

People ask me, "How do you make time to blog?" Well I don't. If I'm blogging, something else is usually not getting done. Like right now: sleeping. Or cleaning up the daily debris from the Spencer family tornado. But sometimes, I just need to write things out. And when I go back later to read them, I'm always glad I did. And if an occasional reader gets something out of it too, it's a bonus.

We had a long, full day. But I had a cup of coffee too late in the evening and I'm not tired. Everyone else is asleep. It's just me and the sound of spinning hamster wheels down the hall, buffered by the hum of the A/C.

The matter on my heart: parenting. Is parenting ever not on a moms heart? Always some new territory to cover.

For years now, it's been the world of toddler and preschoolerhood (is that a word?) and of course the varying array of developmental milestones in kids with DS (which is tricky but moves slowly enough to stay ahead of it, for the most part). But with my oldest girls, it's "mission: preadolescence". And all that it entails. It feels like I'm walking a balance beam. Trying to travel cautiously and carefully but also feeling thrusted forward like someone is pulling a rope around my waist. It's all coming so fast. Sweet girls that have always been my babies... are getting big. Like, "Hi Mrs Spencer is Ashley there I don't have my spelling list" big. And they're getting bigger every day. They've got personalities and friends and passions and wills and fears and questions. I'm dealing with emotional children and I'm an emotional person. 

Am I prepared for this journey? I should probably be reading books on talking with your kids about... stuff. Or taking a class or something. None of this was covered in Babywise. ;) But thank The Lord that I've got friends to walk this out with. I literally have no idea what I'd do without my circle of Mommas. They make me feel normal. We can compare notes and share stories. Or give tips on where to find beginner bras or decide which shorts are too short. And we can ban cell phones for our 4th graders together in solidarity. (Thank You Lord.) And I've got an amazing husband who's years in youth ministry come in crazy handy.

As much as I want to do the very best that I can to help my kids navigate this time; when it all comes down to it, my only goal is to point them to Jesus. Because I know that if they have Him, the rest will fall into place.

How to do that- how to point them to Jesus- isn't as easy as I thought it would be. 

I'm not a great example. I can only pray that they see Christ's mercy and forgiveness transforming me daily because I'm sure not the best example of daily Godliness. I blew it today. I'm gonna blow it somehow tomorrow and next week. And I know that if I'm not transparent enough-- if they don't see the process of me acknowledging my imperfections and how He forgives me and draws me back to Him... My faith will look phony. And they won't want anything to do with it. Or maybe even with me.

One side of the balance beam is friend, the other is mother. I have to find my footing somewhere in the middle. Knowing the relationship we are building on now is the one we will carry into the teen years. My own mom danced across that beam beautifully. She was my very best friend whom I'd tell everything. But I wouldn't dare break her rules because I knew there were consequences.

Friend. And. Mother. Confidant. Mentor. Disciplinarian. ....hmm. Lord You're going to have to carry me across this beam. Because the truth is, You are the very best of all of that. 

I don't have some beautiful literary bow to tie up this post. No sweet story or even scripture. Just a prayer. Lord carry me. Cover me. Cover my kids. Cover the parents out there that are navigating new territories. Mold each of us, parent and child alike, into Your image as we give ourselves to You. Do it all in the name of Your Son, we pray. Amen.