Finding freedom

Being a perfectionist doesn't make you perfect. And that's a hard pill for me to swallow.

Pause: I don't know why this blog has recently become a sounding board for me when its purpose is really intended to be something much different. But... whatever. Back to the topic of perfection. Or lack thereof.

Yes, I'm a perfectionist. I'm a control freak. And I'm prideful. These are a dangerous combination of bad character traits.

I've been sick the last few days and praise the LORD that I'm on the tail end of it and no one else seems to have gotten it. But during the last few days- dare I say it- I had to ask for help. I couldn't wrangle my kids alone. I couldn't even pull myself off the couch to make meals. My amazing husband, my mom and my MIL all jumped in to help around here. And for whatever bizarre reason, I felt like a failure. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't be more thankful for their help. And they all did above and beyond what I could have asked- keeping the laundry moving, the dishes done and the kids fed, snuggled and loved. But laying on the couch unable to breath through my nose, my head pounding, the room spinning, my body aching... I felt like I was letting... someone... down. Who? I'm still not sure. Myself? Don't know. Its just what I felt.

Now, all that aside for a minute, let me bring to light this incredible little lie that the enemy has been forcing on me for months now... these four little words that creep up more and more each day. Ready?

"ITS NOT GOOD ENOUGH" There. I said it.

I've been hearing these words in my head for months. In everything I do. Its unbelievable the way these words can eat at you and how they can apply (for lack of a better word) to every area of your life. Cooking, cleaning, loving my family, praying, serving at church, budgeting, encouraging my husband... even keeping up my own appearance! In all of it I kept hearing "Its NOT GOOD ENOUGH." These words can be piercing to a prideful perfectionist control freak. But I guess beating you while your down IS what the enemy does.

So it all came rolling to a head last night as I laid there unable to do much of anything but rely on help from others. Through feverish tears (literally) I shared all of this with Jake and he was able to tell me all of the things I know in my heart but desperately needed to hear. God thinks I AM good enough. God loves me exactly the way I am. And lots more that I'm not going to cover right now but suffice to say, it was some much needed perspective.

Its okay if everything isn't just so. No one expects me to be perfect. Better yet, it doesn't matter what others expect. And I shouldn't expect my kids to be perfect either. I need to simplify. I'm gonna kill myself trying to keep everyone in line, everything clean and all of it done beautifully. I need to do a lot of loosening up and letting go.

Guys, I am seriously flawed. But you know, I am seriously loved. And that's so. freeing.

And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free. John 8:32