Strands of Grace: Abby's Birth Story

Abby is the reason I started this blog. Plain and simple. When she was born, I was a young mom in a pre-facebook/instagram/social media savvy world, looking for help. I scoured the internet for wisdom. There was a medical website here and there, information about Down Syndrome that I found helpful. Kind of. But what helped me the most, in ways more powerful than I can say, was reading blogs. Nothing high traffic with ads and links. Just straight forward, not fancy, mommy blogs. Confessions of real people with real problems and real joys sharing their stories. It made me feel normal when my whole world had turned... anything but normal.

As sort of a thank you to the abyss, a means of paying it forward, and an avenue to share the testimony of our lives, I started my own blog. Sharing the adventure of life with Abby. And so much more. :)

Here I am 1 decade later. Life is (I can't help but laugh out loud!) different!! Oh so different...

In honor of our precious Abigail Grace and her 10th birthday, this is my story of her birth. 

My hope that this brings comfort to those who've also walked this road. You're not alone.

This story is a memorial stone. At the time, I had no idea what lay ahead. When I reflect on it, I'm reminded of all the things that Abby has taught me and how much we've grown together. But what's more, I'm overwhelmed with the great faithfulness of Christ. Strands of His love, grace, provision are woven through our story. Thanks for reading.

~~~

I was 23. Married for 4 years, we had a 3 year old and a 1 year old. My pregnancy was marked by nausea and low weight gain, just like the others before it. Every ultrasound perfect and beautiful, I was expecting a healthy baby girl.

There was no need to do any extra testing for birth defects. I was so young and my 2 other pregnancies and deliveries were picture perfect. So far, this one was on track to be the same. So far.

In my 3rd trimester, my belly wasn't measuring big enough. Although that was typical for me, nothing to worry about there. Especially with the lack of weight gain. At 36 weeks, I was only 7 lbs over my start weight. I had lost a lot of weight from aallll the morning sickness before I started adding any. But the doctor said my belly was measuring small as well at that checkup, so we did another ultrasound to be sure everything was ok.

I marveled at the technology as I watched the ultrasound tech measure the blood flow in the umbilical cord. Everything looked great. She looked and looked but couldn't find any problems. Except one minor thing. The baby was only estimated to be 4 lbs. 6 oz., which is really too small for a baby at 36 weeks gestation.

Once I was back in the exam room with my OB, she went over the results of the ultrasound. "Everything looks great. She's pretty small but we can't find the reason why. And it doesn't look like she's gaining at the rate we'd like to see. At this point, I think she will grow outside of the womb better than in. Momma's milk will do her lots of good." She smiled and reassured me. "Go home and pack on as many calories as you can. And we'll induce you in one week, once her lungs will be considered full term." In a last ditch effort, I went home and ate everything in sight! For a busy mom with 2 other babies at home, that's not an easy task! But I was diligent. And we scheduled the induction for November 9, 2006.

Between two sets of parents, aunts, uncles and friends, arrangements were made for Ashley and Emily. We headed into the hospital early that morning and started the process. They started Pitocin, gave me an epidural and we had the company of friends and family to help us pass the time until baby came! We talked and laughed and took pictures. Oh the joy of a not-natural labor! Haha! Sometime that afternoon, as I knew it was getting closer, everyone gave us a little space so I could rest and gear up for delivery. I rested, so peacefully, for a good little bit.

Little did I know, I would wake up to the beginning of what felt like a nightmare.

Sharp pains jolted me awake. This was not my first epidural and I knew that the pain shouldn't be this strong. Jake called for a nurse. She looked everything over and said that the epidural line looked good but for some reason it was "wearing off". At the height of another sharp pain, another nurse confirmed that they had no more time to investigate the epidural, it was time to push. Perfect.

Of all of my 5 babies, that birth was the most painful. Thankfully, it was also the fastest. Minutes later, at 6pm, Abigail Grace Spencer was born. At 5 lbs. 5 oz. Those last calories paid off!

Abigail Grace.

The nurses didn't hand her to me immediately, the way I had expected. They looked her over for a lot longer than I was comfortable with. "Her apgar score isn't what we want it to be. She keeps holding her breath. A lot of babies do this, it's ok. She'll be ok." Just give. her. to. me.

Once they felt she was stable enough, I held her as family members came in the room, a couple at a time. She was definitely less responsive than I remember the first two being but I really didn't give it a lot of thought. There's no better feeling than finally holding your baby in your arms. A sort of God given force field of protection emits from new mothers, covering their babies She's beautiful. She's here. She's mine. It's over. 

It wasn't.

Still in the delivery room, preparing to be moved to recovery, Jake was called out of the room. When he came back in, his face was... concerned. His voice went into a gentle but game-plan tone. Our girls, Ashley (age 3) and Emily (age 17 months) had been staying with friends and family. "They're rushing Emily to the emergency room downstairs. She's running a fever of 105." The blood drained from his face as he finished his sentence. "What do you want me to do," it was more of a statement than a question. We both knew that if he went to be with Emily, which he must, he couldn't come back to me. To Abby. 

An involuntary rush surged through me to rip out my IV's and get in an elevator, hospital gown and all. That was my baby down there. Maybe not the one I just gave birth to, but nevertheless, MY BABY. And she needed me.

I took a breath. We would have to divide and conquer. I expected that we would do that a lot over the years, having so many little ones close in age. I didn't expect to do it right now, in such a vulnerable state. "Just go. I love you."

The next little bit was a blur. They moved me to a recovery room. My mom was there. And I was praying. For my babies. A flood of post-delivery emotions: elation, fear (for Emily), joy, pain (from delivery), but mostly love. Looking at Abby, I was in love all over again.

All that I really know is that they ran tests on Emily, gave her fluids and meds to bring the fever down, and it was never fully diagnosed. Once she was stable, later that night, she was released and Jake took her home.

It was late when we heard a knock on the door of my room. My mom got up and shook the doctors hand. I recognized her as one of the pediatricians from our office. It's 10pm. I don't remember the pediatrician ever visiting us this late after delivery. She was kind, gentle and professional. "I just looked over your baby. She looks great. She's beautiful, congratulations." She went on to list things she was looking for and a sort of status on each. I was so tired, I was struggling to keep up but trying to understand each point. "... And those are the things that we keep an eye on with Down Syndrome."

Silence.

I vaguely remember my mom saying something to the effect that we weren't aware she had Down Syndrome. I think she apologized and thought we already knew. WE DIDN'T.

Have you ever seen an intense scene in a movie, where the picture is faded at the edges and you see a sequence of events happening but all you can hear is a heartbeat? That's what I felt for the next... well, a long time. What do you mean my baby has Down Syndrome? Are you even sure? How do you know? Don't speak that over my baby! She's perfect! I don't even know that I know what Down Syndrome is! Why are you saying this? Stop! I don't think any of those words reached my mouth. The doctor continued to speak. All heard was my own heartbeat.

Jake was in the car on his way home from what had to have been the longest day ever. On a dark interstate, with a sleeping 17 month old in his back seat, he got a call from me. "Babe. We just saw the doctor. They're saying that Abby has Down Syndrome." And I cried. "It's going be ok. We can do this. Let me get Emily home with my mom and I'll be back to the hospital."

The next day I asked that the doctors to do whatever testing need to be done to be sure. I now know that was a karyotype. They said they would order the test, but I could hear in their voices that it was pointless. They knew. Everyone knew. She had Down Syndrome. I don't have a problem with Down Syndrome. I knew a little boy with Down Syndrome in Awanas when I was a kid. I have a problem with my baby having it. Other families have kids with special needs. Just not me. Special people. I'm not special. I don't want to be special.

We had a flood of visitors in the hospital. Word spread I guess, and friends, family and church members came and went constantly. And because Abby had jaundice, we were there for a few days longer than usual. There was a wide range of reactions.

Some people cried. They told me it would be ok. What does that even mean?? We're fine. She's fine. I just had a baby.

Some people tried to identify by telling us about friends they knew who had Down Syndrome or other special needs. That's nice. I don't care about your friend. We aren't them. I just had a baby. Can we talk about HER and how great she's doing? (These are not my most honorable moments and thoughts and I'm not proud of them. But if I'm honest, that's what went through my head at the time.)

Some people told me that I needed to cry. That they were concerned that it wasn't "hitting me yet". To this day, I don't know... I'm not sure if it did or not. Maybe I should have cried more? I was processing. I had no idea how to handle the information I'd been given. I didn't know what life would look like for me or for my little girl. Ever. I just knew that I loved Abby. And that she had just been changed and her next feeding would be in 2 hours. That part was easy and felt right. The rest was completely uncertain. And terrifying.

Some people congratulated us. I'll never forget the friends that came in, elated. All smiles, they would scoop Abby up, tell me how beautiful she was, and congratulate me. It was like a balm for my soul. I soaked it in.

At one point our pastor told Jake something that I'll never forget. He said, "people are going to say dumb things. It's going to happen. Just know that they mean well, they just don't know what to say." That helped me so much. I knew that in my heart, but I needed someone to say it. It gave me a level of grace for people... even if they said something unhelpful, even hurtful, I was able to see through to their hearts and know that they loved us and meant well. And that's what mattered. (That has been so helpful to me over the years.)

One week later, with Abby Grace weighing in at 5 lbs. 1 oz, we left the hospital. They had us go to Vanderbilt first, just to double check her heart. Most kids with DS have heart issues. We knew she didn't, that's one of the reasons she wasn't diagnosed prenatally. Her heart was totally healthy.

When we got home, we took our first deep breath as a family of five. In my mind, I knew life was going to look different. This wasn't going to be an easy road. I'd heard words like therapy, early intervention and specialists. But all of that melted away like butter every time I looked at my sweet baby. She was just a tiny little love nugget. She had that amazing new baby smell. And wispy blond hair, just on top. And smooth skin. And she nursed like a pro. (Which they told me was actually not common.) She's already rocking this thing. We're going to be just fine. They don't know about us. We'll show them.

~~~

I never understood when people would talk about all they "learned" from their family member or friend with special needs. Now I get it. I've learned SO. MUCH. from Abby.

I've learned to treasure today. What's in front of me. Tomorrow or what it holds isn't guaranteed.

I've learned that I'm stronger than I'd ever dreamed.

I've learned that Abby's only limitations are the ones I put on her.

I've learned that together, Jake and I are a powerhouse. God put us together, and the world had better just watch out.

I've learned that's in those places when you're most paralyzed by fear and uncertainty, that's where God takes over. You only have to surrender to Him.

I've learned that Down Syndrome is just a diagnosis. It's a small part of who my daughter is. It affects... almost everything in her life. But it doesn't define her.

Halfway through my pregnancy, I felt the Lord tell me that her name would be Abigail Grace.

Abigail means the Joy of the Father. In the Bible, Abigail was one of the wives of David. The King James Version describes her as having good understanding and a beautiful countenance.

The first two things that the world would try to tell me about DS is that it would affect her appearance and her cognitive ability. God says otherwise. He says she's fearfully and wonderfully made. That He has plans to give her a hope and future. God reminds me every day through her very name, that she has a good understanding and a beautiful countenance. She is the Joy of her Father, on earth and in Heaven.

Today she turns ten. Ten long years since that crazy night. My hopes for the kind of life Abby might lead... the kind of hopes every mother has for her baby... were taken away that night. But the Lord has redeemed them with new hopes and dreams.

Wrapped up in one beautiful little girl,

God taught me that sometimes,

when we can't see what's ahead,

He pulls us close,

replaces our sorrow with pure joy,

and a peace that passes understanding.

It feels silly to me now that I was so upset and afraid of her diagnosis. It's almost embarrassing. But it was so real to me at the time. It's my story, for better or worse. 

Today we have a beautiful, intelligent, kindhearted 10 year old who loves big and enjoys life!

Just like the last, I expect the next 10 years to be full of joy, fear, determination, victories, setbacks, and exploration of the unknown. I expect Abby to dance through life and continue to completely amaze us. And I know that my faithful God will continue to weave His strands of Grace through our story, continuing a good work in us until the day of Christ Jesus.

For you created my inmost being;

    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made!

Psalm 139:103-14

To learn more about Down Syndrome, click the tab "Down Syndrome" at the top of my blog. To read more about our life with sweet Abbs, click the link on the sidebar: Parent of kids with DS

I am my beloved's

"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..." Eph 5:25 

Jake has officiated several weddings over the years. He does thorough marriage counseling with any couple he marries, so if he didn't already, he knows them well. It shows in his eyes as he smiles at the couple on their wedding day and shares from his heart. I love watching his face as you see a little bit of excitement over this new union; and a little bit of that proud fatherly face. That glow that comes when you look at someone you've discipled and loved and watched grow.

But my favorite part is when he shares with them about the partnership of marriage. He shares it more for the sake of the family and friends present, because there's no doubt he's talked about all this and more with the couple already.

He often shares how people say that a marriage is 50/50. Each giving half. But that he thinks that's wrong. That a marriage really works best when its 100/100. Each giving all of themselves for the other. "If you're giving all of yourself up for your bride, and doing everything you can to take care of her... And she's doing the very same thing, you don't have to worry about taking care of yourselves because the other is doing it." That's not an exact quote, he would say it better. :)

At that point in the ceremony a small piece of me wants to stand up and tell everyone, "Listen to what he's saying! He's right about this! And I can testify that this man lives it!" He does.

This past week was a perfect example.

Our house is mostly unpacked but we're all still adjusting to our new normals. For some of the kids its homeschooling, for some their new school, for Jake its starting a church from basically nothing and all of the work and relationship building that requires. For me its running our new home and new schedule, shopping from new stores, paying new bills... making meals is the only thing that doesn't look very different, although I'm sure my family would be happy to have that part changed up a little.

Monday about mid-morning I was mid-juggling all the balls. All. the. balls. When my sweet husband came in and asked me a very simple question about our schedule. And I lost it. I started bawling. About how the kids needed to be fed and I was behind on lesson plans and couldn't find the teachers guides online to the curriculum we have and that I didn't know what I was cooking for the large group of students coming over for dinner and and and and....

This kind of outbursts of emotion used to send us both into a defensive uproar. But over the years we've he's learned to navigate these waters. So we had a calm conversation and we both apologized (even though I was the only one who owed one) and carried on with the day. Which ended up being a pretty awesome day, actually.

A couple of days later I came down with a flu bug of some kind. Sore throat, nauseaus, coughing, body aches and general misery. It hit hard and fast late one night and I knew tomorrow--and whatever tomorrow held--I wasn't going to be able to pull off.

Jake jumped into gear without batting an eye. He whizzed through the day getting kids to school, feeding them, taking them to the park, keeping the house clean and the laundry going. He canceled some meetings and had others over the phone. He even recorded a remote podcast from one of the kids' bedrooms. All this while bringing me Gatorade and medicine and putting essential oils on my back when I'd ask.

Never complaining once.

When I finally made it downstairs, I thanked him and tried to tell him how amazing he was. "I mean, you do this stuff every day," he said simply. "Yeah but I couldn't just jump into your job and pull it off like that." I was right and he couldn't argue. He's super dad. :)

We've been looking for a new vehicle since we moved, knowing it was a time that made sense for us financially. As much as it meant laying my pride down... it was time for our family to get a passenger van. Not that Suburbans are exactly a cool vehicle to have, it still felt more like a family vehicle and less like a hotel shuttle. So I determined that I wanted a Nissan because I like the look, safety ratings and flexibility of the seating inside. And I wanted either a Blue, Brown or Black one. Not that I'm picky. :) So Jake hunted high and low for exactly what I wanted at a price we could afford. And he found one. In Boston.

This man. In the midst of all that he has going on (and having lost a work day while I was sick) got a one way ticket to Boston, Massachusetts, bought me a van and drove it 16 hours home over 2 days.

Because he loves me. And he takes care of our family, sacrificially.

Jake lives that marriage is 100/100. Each laying everything down for the other. "...as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" Eph 5:25 I may not always do everything I can for Jake. I'm not always selfless and taking care of him. And he's not perfect either. But regardless of the response of the other, the goal is that we give 100%. Christ laid down His life for us. For those who chose to receive Him and for those who don't. He didn't say, "I'm only giving 100% if you do." He loves us no matter what.

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

I'm not saying its easy. It isn't. What's easy is to give in to fear or insecurity. What if it isn't reciprocated? What if I take care of him but he doesn't take care of me? But in our few years of marriage, we're learning: it doesn't come naturally so it has to come spiritually. It's only when you plug into the love of Christ that you can fully lay yourself down in vulnerability, faithfulness and sacrifice. And when we each do that, it works so much better than when we try to fly solo.

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." John 13:34-35

"I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine." Song of Solomon 6:3

Yesterday was Valentines Day. Jake got in late in the afternoon with the new van and its awesome. But what's a million times more is that my husband loves me and gives of himself for me. And everything in me wants tell him and show him how much I love him back.

I love you Jake Spencer. You are my beloved and I am yours. 100%

We're here!

Well, this is it. My first post as a Knoxville resident. My heart still speeds up a bit at that thought! For the first time since I was 15, I don't live in the Nashville area. So crazy!

And though it isn't exactly far (right at 3 hours away), it's different here. The people, the culture, even the landscape. Its definitely not better or worse, its just all a little different. I'm equal parts missing my home town and falling in love with my new one.

I can't believe we've already been here for 15 days.

We had a great move! (Thanks to our two amazing real estate agents! We highly recommend Jenny Fann in Spring Hill and Troy Stavros in Knoxville!) :) As we were closing and making the drive to Knoxville, we were hearing that there might be some winter weather coming.

We spent one night here in a hotel and when we got up to close on the new house, we were greeted with a thin blanket of white! We bundled up the kids and headed to the title office, the electric company and then over to our new home to wait on the moving trucks. All the while the snow just kept falling.

We were pretty concerned that the road conditions would be too bad for our movers coming in from Nashville, but... the kids thought the snow was magical. And I have to admit--that hour (or however long it was) that we sat on sleeping bags in front of the fireplace... in our echoing, empty house... with our Jersey Mikes picnic... watching the snow fall outside... it was magical. A sweet kiss from the Lord.

The movers finally showed up and in classic Spencer fashion, our magical moment moved straight into high energy excitement and chaos. They obviously have to keep the doors open to move the furniture in, so the downstairs was every bit as chilly as it was outside--while the snow was still falling and really starting to accumulate! Those poor guys were freezing while unloading the trucks and had to inch their way down the truck ramp not to slip. And I spent the next several hours directing them through the house, drinking more coffee than is healthy just to stay warm, mopping up the steady stream of melted snow on my new hardwoods, stressing about my kids running in and out of the snow without any gloves or appropriate snow clothes, and blow-drying one of the kids' mattresses that had rainwater poured on the side of it from a leak in the truck door.

Micah took it upon himself to take pictures of our movers, but now I'm glad he did!

The kids met several neighbor kids outside in the snow, all close to their ages. I love how children can go from being compete strangers one minute to building trenches with sideways sleds and having street-wide snowball fights in no time. It took everything in me to overlook the fact that my kids were trembling cold and probably going to be sick (and they never were) because they were making friends and memories. Thank you Lord. For health and friends. ;)

Kate and Abby passed out after a long day of moving.
And bundled up because it was COLD!!

Since that day, I started working and haven't really stopped. The boxes are almost completely unpacked and a few things are even on the walls. Because our house will be sort of a home base for the church for a little while, it was important to me that it be welcoming and cozy, quickly. And I believe in my heart that if the kids love their rooms and feel good about them, it does their hearts good during this new phase.

We've had lots of visitors since we moved in. Both of the other families moving with us to start the church have had home inspections, so they've been through. (Minus Sarah and the girls! We missed you!) Along with some family and some practically-family. :)

And there's been no time wasted in making connections with families here and UT students. People have brought us dinner; we've had people over for dinner. We've even had a game night. Our family table has officially been christened here with friends and family sharing meals, laughter, cards and the loud singing of "somebody's going down". If you don't know what that is, you need to come play cards with us!

Last but certainly not least, the kids are all trying to settle into our new school routines. Micah and Abby are liking their new school and I had two great IEPs there. The other 4 are homeschooling and that's going ok. Probably best saved for another post. :)

Though its hard and feels strange not to share even more, I'm going to try and leave church updates to that blog. The church is so much a part of our lives, it's almost impossible to seperate. The Lord is doing so many amazing things and I could spend all my time telling those stories. But I'm saving those to be told to a broader audience than my humble blog. But please check out our sweet send-off from our home church here. And follow along there for updates. Its going to be so fun to watch what God does next.

As for me and my house, we're here and getting settled so we can serve the Lord!



"This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:8-9

Our House: the Before and Afters

I love my house. But I didn't always.

When we found this house, it was NA.STY. Actually it was like, ugly and nasty. It was a foreclosure and all the lovely things that can come along with that. On top of the royal blue carpets in the entire house, the walls were mauve, burgundy, plum, royal blue (yes with royal blue carpets) and dirty painters white. Most of the light fixtures were ripped out along with a few appliances. The carpets were dirty with clumps of hair and spilled bottles of soap and random laundry strewn around. And things in the toilet we shall not speak of. Actually, lets just not talk about it anymore.

I was 8 months pregnant with #6. But instead of feeding my nesting needs, we were temporarily homeless. And instead of a pretty, clean space to prepare, we had to replace carpets, have the whole house painted and cleaned. It was not my dream scenario for bringing our last child into the world.

Married women, can I just chat with you for a minute? A serious chat. Sometimes, you won't be in your right mind. You'll be hormonal or spent or both. And when you are in a place where your brain cannot and should not make decisions, let your husband do it. You made him the head of your house when you married him, so trust him. Even if he gets it wrong, its ok. Sometimes he'll get it right. REALLY right. I was a little bit appalled by this house but I knew in my heart that I was not in a good place to be hearing from the Lord. And I knew my husband was really pressing in for an answer from Him. So when he said he thought we should do it, I submitted. I know that word makes some of you cringe a little. But if you are married to a man who walks with the Lord, trust that God speaks to him. If I had it my way I maybe would have passed on this house because it looked like too much work. I'm so thankful that I trusted the Lord by trusting my husband. Jake heard from God on the matter of this house. And God gives His kids good gifts. So we bought the house.

Some of the things we've done to this house happened right away (before we even moved in) and some happened much later.

Without further adieu, our house of 4 1/2 years, before and after.

BEFORE

That's Me. And Kate. :)

Very pregnant.

AFTER:

Ok so not much change there. But wait...

BEFORE:

AFTER:

Boom.

BEFORE:

There's that lovely royal blue...

AFTER:

Ahh!! Right?!

BEFORE:

AFTER:

We matched the hardwood that ran through the hall and kitchen and had it put in this office,
the formal dining room, and formal living room.

BEFORE:

Its hard to see, but that is Burgundy paint.

AFTER (but from a different direction, its the same hall):

BEFORE:

AFTER:

BEFORE:

AFTER:

If we had stayed longer, I wanted to add cabinets in here.
Can't win 'em all. :)

BEFORE:

AFTER:

BEFORE:

AFTER:

BEFORE: 

AFTER:

BEFORE:

AFTER:

BEFORE: 

AFTER:

BEFORE:

AFTER:

BEFORE:

AFTER:

BEFORE:

AFTER:

No more glass doors. Unless you like to break your back while bathing small children.

And one more of the kitchen because I love it so much:

BEFORE:

AFTER!!:

There you have it. That's my home guys. Mostly just new paint, carpet and hardwoods. But the transformation will always be a reminder of the goodness of the Lord if I submit to Him (sometimes via submitting to my husband).

The one we are buying in Knoxville is new construction. Which makes my heart so happy! We've never had a new construction home and it will be so wonderful to move and be able to throw our energy into our growing church without worrying about our home. God is so good to us.

~~~

The "after" pictures are obviously insanely better quality than the before's. If you are in the Middle Tennessee area, I just can't recommend enough- our friends the Winters and their business Homepixmedia. We also have an incredible real estate agent (and beloved friend), Jenny Fann, selling our home. She's amazing to work with and we highly recommend her as well!!

Because we're selling the house

Sometimes when the kids are on break, I wake up early with that panic feeling that we overslept and they're going to be late for school. Sort of the same feeling I used to get just a few short years ago when I would wake up on my own (as in, not by a baby) in panic that my baby missed a feeding. I'm curious if there's a parenting phase where waking up on your own doesn't cause panic...

But after I jolted up this morning, I had to remind myself. The kids are on break... Yesterday we had a wonderful Thanksgiving... Today Jake wants to put in an offer on the Knoxville house... Grannie is in town and we're meeting her and mom... We have a house showing at 10:30... {pausing to listen for kids}... And the kids are already up and destroying their room... Resume panic. Because we're selling the house!!

But first, coffee.

After my cup of coffee and a not-so-quiet time with the Lord, it was go time. I got myself, the kids, and the house cleaned up. In that order. With 6 cats, I mean kids, it works best in that order. 

Most of the day was fairly successful. Fairly successful...

*sigh* 

This House

I'm not sure there is a way to keep this house clean, the children in line and be nice. I'm just sayin. I feel like a crazy woman barking out orders and trying to juggle 43.7 things at the same time. Because we're selling the house, I have to go overboard with all cleaning/toy pickup efforts. Its only been a week and a half and I'm already tired.

The New House

Jake is amazing to take care of things on that end. He keeps me in the loop even when I know it would be easier just to make executive decisions and keep moving. He stops to consider important things, where I would just make an impulsive choice. He's doing all of this while trying to build new relationships and a new church, launch a website, and prepare a sermon for like, oohhh two days from now. No big deal. *note sarcasm* 

And I know when I am focused, the kids nagging and arguing is like a drum that beats on my last nerve. But he's been so patient. Oh and he got Christmas tree today. *sigh* He's super man. I have to remind myself that's a good thing and it doesn't make me lamer. (I just made up that word.)

The Kids

One of my children, who I'm sure wishes to remain nameless, is struggling. Not constantly. But little things like where we put the Christmas tree (because we're showing the house) and how few decorations we bring out (because we're showing the house) and how we aren't hanging stockings yet (because we're showing the house)... these things are difficult for her. And while she does her best to process and move on, I can see that in her mind, all these things relate back to one thing/problem. You guessed it. We're selling the house. 

The Emotions

Just when I think I've successfully juggled all the balls... 

I cleaned the kids.

I cleaned the house.

We lived through Cracker Barrell, only made a little bit of a scene.

I got to talk to Grannie... some.

After lunch, we set up a Christmas tree.

We went over the house offer to be sure it all looks good.

I went over the budget-- because, holidays. And kids. And because we're selling the house.

I did my best to meet the emotional needs of my child/children who are struggling today.

I decorated the house for Christmas.

I/we decorated the Christmas tree.

And...

Because we're showing the house, I didn't use our crazy brightly colored ornaments-- the ones with Popsicle sticks and finger paints and names in sharpie. Instead I pulled out the ornaments from the first couple of Christmas' we were married. The pretty amber colored ball ornaments I registered for. And I pulled out the blown glass ovals I bought myself before we were married and the metal, porcelain and glass angels I used to collect. 

I was doing it because we're showing the house. And as I told Jake my plan, my voice caught in my throat. The sentimentality of those ornaments and the weight of the day sank in and I just cried.

Because we're selling the house.

~~~

Hopefully tomorrow we'll hear if our offer has been accepted or if there's a counter offer. So when I wake up I'm going to remind myself that its going to be an awesome day. Full of potential. Possibly some showings. Possibly some chaos. Possibly some emotion. And then I'm going to drink my coffee and have some not-so-quiet time and give thanks to God because He's called us into relationship with Him.

Jake, myself, the kids... we aren't doing this alone. He's walking with us through the showings, with us through the chaos, with us through the emotion. In these days between Thanksgiving and Christmas I want to reach out with each hand and touch the reminders of both: to give thanks  because Emmanuel means God with us. He called us to do this thing and He didn't mean do it alone. 

I want to surrender every moment and walk every step with the Lord. Therefore, I will not be overcome with the little things or the big ones. Because we're selling the house.

Our Next Big Adventure

This blog is about the many hats I wear. I'm a pastors wife, mom of a large family, adoptive parent and I'm raising two children with special needs. It's purpose is to share about these different aspects of my life and how they work together. All the while keeping friends and family updated and a mothers heart reflective with the story telling... 

Well... we're entering our next big adventure and I've got a new story to tell. 
Another side of Amy, if you will. 
Church planters wife.

This is story much larger than me, but it's from my perspective. So let me go back a little ways.

Jake has been in ministry for almost as long as we've been together. What started as a passion to be discipled and to know God more, turned into a mentorship with our pastor and volunteering with the Jr High kids. Just before we got married, that grew into part time youth ministry (and part time still working at the steel plant). As our little family grew, that became full time youth ministry and ordination. And Youth Pastor over Jr High eventually turned into Jr and Sr High Youth Pastor and ministry head over the Youth Department. Then pouring into and discipling friends and youth volunteers turned into passing all of it to new Jr and Sr High youth leaders and taking on a new roll of Associate Pastor. (Just before our own oldest daughter started Jr High. Talk about full circle.)

When that kind of personal growth happens simultaneously with a church that grew from 200 people in a school gym to thousands of people on a 150 acre campus, you learn a lot along the way.

And at some point along that journey, The Lord started stirring. Jake began preaching for our senior pastor when he had to be gone. The congregation got to hear what I'd been listening to in youth group for years. A man who has a gentle but fierce heart for The Lord and people. And God started stirring a passion and vision in Jake. I didn't know what it would look like or when it would happen but I knew God was stirring Jakes heart for a specific purpose.

My husband has a gift to teach God's Word. And believes in his core that Jesus called his followers to make more followers. And I'm not just talking about having children-- although we clearly believe in that too. ;) Jake has a passion and gift for discipleship. His heartbeat is to love people well, to make disciples and to teach them to make disciples. All through the vehicle of community and doing real life together.

The last two years have been a wild roller coaster of hearing and not hearing from God, knowing He's calling us out but not sure of what or where specifically, and then a flood of open doors, connections and confirmations. To tell all the details of the last two years and how the Lord called us would be to write a memoir. And some of it is deeply personal. But the Lord is so good. Though we couldn't always see it, He's been busy working, redeeming, pruning, growing and preparing.

But the outcome of our journey is really the beginning of a new one.

God has called us to plant a church in Knoxville.

Whew, it's still surreal to say!!

And He's not just calling us. The friends He's called to go with us... are so much more than friends. They're our people, our community. They're who we do life with. And our passion is the same. To love God and love others, to obey whatever The Lord calls us to do and to go where He tells us to go. And we truly can't wait to see who joins us along the way.

People usually have the same questions, so I'm going to try to address each of them here.

"Why Knoxville?" Well because the Lord said so. :) Jake loves ministering to college kids. And the Lord gave us a vision to plant a church that eventually plants more churches. A college town is a great place to do that, so that's what first brought Knoxville onto the radar. And there have been lots of connections and relationships there. The Lord randomly bringing people across our path... the stories are incredible. Stuff only God can do. And remember that Jake was in youth ministry for years and some of the kids he had went on to UT. The more we prayed and investigated, the more it became evident that the Lord was speaking loud and clear. It's time to take Grace Chapel to Knoxville.

The next big question is, "when?" And that depends on how quickly The Lord moves this process along. Jake has already begun making trips out there to get the ball rolling: following up on connections the Lord has already made, building relationships, and eventually getting some small groups started. (I could cry right now at the goodness of the Lord bringing new people across our path and opening doors.) It was announced to our church this morning and our house goes on the market Wednesday. But each and every step we're committed to seek The Lord and ask Him what's next. This is His thing not ours.

For me personally, people always ask, "how are the kids?" Our 4 youngest don't seem to be affected by it much at all. Their closest friends are in the families that are going with us (again, we do life together) so that helps a lot. And they think a new house sounds like an adventure. Micah and Abby will of course take some adjusting to a new school, but I'm confident that God with supply all their needs according to His riches and glory. :)

Emily is a very go-with-the-flow kiddo and she's taking it all in, focusing on the good. Her best friend moved away several years ago and they still keep in contact so I don't think she has much anxiety about moving away from her friends. Again, one of her closest friends now is going with us as well.

Ashley has been so mature processing it all. It'll be hardest on her, being 12, but she's always known that we go where God calls us and we take nothing for granted. Many of her questions, I have to answer with, "we'll have to trust God for that." And because she's been around the longest, so to speak, she's seen God provide for our family over and over again through the years. I think this will be an opportunity for her faith to be stretched as well.

The current plan is that we will homeschool Ashley, Emily, Mabry and Kate. Unless The Lord shows us otherwise. And I'm walking forward with open hands in that.

We're looking at west Knoxville. You see, Jake. loves. water. If he could chose anywhere to live, it would be on the water. And God is so good... As he was praying about rather or not the Lord was calling us to Knoxville, he realized that the Tennessee River and Fort Loudon Lake run right through the area where He's opening doors. And for me, still being in the Tennessee hills makes me feel right at home. (So note: don't be afraid to ask God for things. Sometimes He calls you to make big sacrifices while simultaneously filling the desires of your heart.) 

Its a bittersweet transition for me. I've lived in Spring Hill for 18 years (with the exception of our first married year in Franklin). I went to youth group in Thompsons Station, prom at Page and Spring Hill High, and graduated here with my homeschool class. I met my husband here, this is where we dated, where he proposed and we got married in Cool Springs. I birthed all 5 of my babies in Williamson Medical and this is where we brought Micah home. Both of our only 2 homes are in Spring Hill. This is home.

Except this isn't our home. Knoxville won't be our home either. Our home is in heaven. This life isn't about setting up camp, its about living for something greater than ourselves. Its about living for Jesus. And He called us to make disciples. He said that people would know His disciples by their love for one another. Home is where we are loving people, reaching the lost and making disciples.

My dream home is up on hill, with a perfect view of the mountains, a lake in the valley, a big front porch, all hardwood floors, clawfoot tub in my bathroom and a screened in porch in the back. ;) I have no doubt that's what the Lord is working on for me in heaven. And if I get a little taste of that on earth, awesome. But until He comes, there's work to be done. People need the hands and feet of Jesus to walk with them through their mess. I need people to walk with me through my mess! My kids need to be discipled themselves and my husband needs me to be supportive of his/our ministry. 

This next life adventure isn't going to be easy. Its probably going to be really really hard. I'm not always going to be up for the challenge. Some days I'm going to loose it and cry in my room for a while. I know this because we've been on adventures before. Not church planting specifically, but... we've seen our share of challenge. But God is faithful to His Word and when He calls (or allows) us to walk through something, He sustains us through it.

In Gods economy, the hard road is so much better than the easy one. It produces fruit in and around us and it Glorifies Him. What more could you ask for?

There's so much more I could say, but that covers most the update from the perspective of our family life. I will update my blog more, now that this is official and I have the freedom to do so. And you can follow the church updates at www.gracechapelknoxville.net 

For now, some prayer points for our family specifically:

~For a smooth transition for the kids

~That the Lord would be in every detail of selling our house

~That we would find just the right house in just the right area of Knoxville

~Stamina for Jake as he travels back and forth until we're there

~Wisdom as we look at schools for Micah and Abby

Thank you, precious friends and family who have loved us so well, for your prayers as begin this journey. To Jesus be the Glory.