People ask me, "How do you make time to blog?" Well I don't. If I'm blogging, something else is usually not getting done. Like right now: sleeping. Or cleaning up the daily debris from the Spencer family tornado. But sometimes, I just need to write things out. And when I go back later to read them, I'm always glad I did. And if an occasional reader gets something out of it too, it's a bonus.
We had a long, full day. But I had a cup of coffee too late in the evening and I'm not tired. Everyone else is asleep. It's just me and the sound of spinning hamster wheels down the hall, buffered by the hum of the A/C.
For years now, it's been the world of toddler and preschoolerhood (is that a word?) and of course the varying array of developmental milestones in kids with DS (which is tricky but moves slowly enough to stay ahead of it, for the most part). But with my oldest girls, it's "mission: preadolescence". And all that it entails. It feels like I'm walking a balance beam. Trying to travel cautiously and carefully but also feeling thrusted forward like someone is pulling a rope around my waist. It's all coming so fast. Sweet girls that have always been my babies... are getting big. Like, "Hi Mrs Spencer is Ashley there I don't have my spelling list" big. And they're getting bigger every day. They've got personalities and friends and passions and wills and fears and questions. I'm dealing with emotional children and I'm an emotional person.
Am I prepared for this journey? I should probably be reading books on talking with your kids about... stuff. Or taking a class or something. None of this was covered in Babywise. ;) But thank The Lord that I've got friends to walk this out with. I literally have no idea what I'd do without my circle of Mommas. They make me feel normal. We can compare notes and share stories. Or give tips on where to find beginner bras or decide which shorts are too short. And we can ban cell phones for our 4th graders together in solidarity. (Thank You Lord.) And I've got an amazing husband who's years in youth ministry come in crazy handy.
As much as I want to do the very best that I can to help my kids navigate this time; when it all comes down to it, my only goal is to point them to Jesus. Because I know that if they have Him, the rest will fall into place.
How to do that- how to point them to Jesus- isn't as easy as I thought it would be.
I'm not a great example. I can only pray that they see Christ's mercy and forgiveness transforming me daily because I'm sure not the best example of daily Godliness. I blew it today. I'm gonna blow it somehow tomorrow and next week. And I know that if I'm not transparent enough-- if they don't see the process of me acknowledging my imperfections and how He forgives me and draws me back to Him... My faith will look phony. And they won't want anything to do with it. Or maybe even with me.
One side of the balance beam is friend, the other is mother. I have to find my footing somewhere in the middle. Knowing the relationship we are building on now is the one we will carry into the teen years. My own mom danced across that beam beautifully. She was my very best friend whom I'd tell everything. But I wouldn't dare break her rules because I knew there were consequences.
Friend. And. Mother. Confidant. Mentor. Disciplinarian. ....hmm. Lord You're going to have to carry me across this beam. Because the truth is, You are the very best of all of that.
I don't have some beautiful literary bow to tie up this post. No sweet story or even scripture. Just a prayer. Lord carry me. Cover me. Cover my kids. Cover the parents out there that are navigating new territories. Mold each of us, parent and child alike, into Your image as we give ourselves to You. Do it all in the name of Your Son, we pray. Amen.
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