This is a letter I wrote to Ashley just a few weeks after she was born. Its in her baby book. It's long, but I wanted to remember every minute of our story. So this is for you Sweet Pea...
Sweet Ashley,
Here is the story of you... its forever engraved in our memories but we want to share with you the joy and anticipation felt by so many the day you came into this world.
It was a Monday evening. Your Daddy and I were at our friends' house, Wes and D'Arcy Collins. She was pregnant also, five weeks behind me. My due date was two weeks away but I knew you wouldn't wait that long. I had walked a few laps around the mall the day before, in hopes to see you sooner. We had dinner with our friends and as we ate, they joked, "This could be your last meal before you have the baby." We all laughed and I secretly hoped. I wanted to hold you in my arms so badly. The evening went on; we played games and said goodbye...
Sometime around 12:15am that night, I had to go to the bathroom. That wasn't uncommon, I usually had to go 3 or 4 times a night. On my way back to the bed, my water broke! I couldn't believe it, could it really be happening? I stood in the bathroom doorway and said quietly, "Jake my water broke." That should wake him up, I thought. The bathroom light was streaming into our dark bedroom and I could see him rubbing his eyes as he said, "Are you sure?" "Yeah I'm sure. This is it." ...silence. Then he said, "Well lets just go back to bed for a few more hours and we'll go to the hospital first thing in the morning." "Jake are you serious?!" So much for being quiet. "Babe, we have to go to the hospital now!" I tried to be firm but not panicky. He obviously doesn't understand, I thought. For a fleeting moment I wasn't sure he was actually going to take me and I considered calling my mom to have her tell him that he must! I walked over and grabbed my already packed bag, then turned on the light. "Let's go."
Reality sank in as he got up and got dressed. "Why don't you call your doctor first, before we go," he suggested. He was becoming his typical plan-it-out self; which meant he was waking up. I thought for a second and said, "Okay good idea." When I got my phone, instinct dialed my mom first. "Mom, mywaterbrokewe'regoingtothehospital." It came out as one big word. "OkayI'monmywaytherebye." was her response without a hint of hesitation. Like mother, like daughter. Next I dialed the doctors office, which was obviously closed. The recording said to go to the emergency room if you suspected you are in labor. So on we went. I had gone into labor 3 weeks before. My contractions were quick and hard then, but they told me it was too soon. They gave me medicine to stop the labor and sent me home. Surely they can't stop it now, I thought.
In the car, my contractions went from a one to an eight on a pain scale. I would squeeze Jake's hand each time around. "Are they really hurting?" he asked as he looked at the clock, estimating how long it had been since the last one. "Yeah, they're getting hard. Quick." The interstate was completely vacant so Jake sped up a little more.
As we walked into the emergency room, I felt relieved and excited all at the same time. Since we'd come once before, we knew right what to do. Answering the woman's questions as we registered helped get my mind off of the contractions (and the towel I was sitting on). Jake stood behind me and rubbed my shoulders. I looked at him to see if I could sense any nervousness in him, but he looked totally calm, collected and maybe a little sleepy. After it was over they brought a wheel chair to take me upstairs to my labor/delivery room.
The rooms were all very nice. Hard wood floors, and armoire with a TV, VCR and cable. My own bathroom, shower, sink. A recliner for the daddies. There were nice flower paintings hung on the pink and cream wallpaper. I looked at it and smiled as I thought about how my new baby would be in it soon.
By 1:30am the nurses had me all set up and Mom and Greg got there shortly after. Mom looked a little teary eyed. I knew they had to be tired too, but they didn't act like it. Jake had already called his parents and they were going to wait just a little while longer. There was really no sense in anyone coming just yet. It could be a few hours before things got rolling. Jake, prepared as usual, got out a trivia game he brought and the four of us started to play. "Battle of the Sexes" it was called. The girls had to answer questions about "guy stuff" and vice versa. The nurses even got in on it a little. I could feel myself getting heavy eyed, despite my contractions still coming every few minutes. Everyone told me to try to sleep a little but I knew I couldn't. I told them it was the contractions, but I was really too excited to sleep. Before long, Diane (Jakes mom) called to say she and Joanna (his 15 year old sister) were on their way and asked if there was anything she could bring. At that point I had heart burn really bad and the nurses didn't have anything to give me. So we told her to bring some Tums. "I think my heartburn hurts just as bad as the labor!" When they got there, I hugged them the best I could with an IV in one hand and a blood pressure cuff on my other arm. Joanna sat cross-legged on the floor in front of the TV and said, "This is so exciting!!" Everyone talked for a while. The sun was barely coming up, and we decided that we needed to write down everyone's guesses on your gender, weight, length, and the time you'd be born. Some guessed girl, some boy (we didn't know yet). Most guessed medium weight. All guessed before 1pm. Wow, thats forever, I thought!
The rest of the morning is kind of a blur. I know the contractions started getting bad enough to start the breathing techniques I had learned with your Dad. The nurses would check me periodically and I was thinning out but not dilating very quickly. At one point they started me on pitocin and told me that it would make me progress faster but the labor would be more intense. They were right. Grannie and Papaw came up and took Mom and Dad to Cracker Barrel for breakfast. Mom and Grannie kept saying, "She can't have that baby while we're gone, lets hurry!"
All afternoon I was "stuck" at six centemeters. The labor continued and different friends, family and church members came and went. Some tried to hang around to see you, but had to go. As evening came, they decided to try a few different things. They put me in a rocking chair for a little while. Jake sat right in front of me, held my hands and would help me breathe. "Look at me," he said. "Whoo, shooooooo, whooo, shoooooo." I kept holding my breath and shaking my head no. It hurt so much I needed to be back on the bed. It seemed to go on for so long. I'd talk to who ever was in the room and as soon as it would start I'd pull on your Daddy's arm. He'd jump up, get in my face and breathe with me some more. I'd shake my head or close my eyes and he'd say "Amy look at me, its almost over." He watched the screen monitoring my contractions and nodded as he saw each one ending.
Each time the nurse would come in and check me, I would think, this time is it. They're gonna tell me that I'm fully dilated and that I'm ready to start pushing. My mom would half smile and say, "I bet this time. You've made a big jump." But no. Never anything further than six and half centemeters. It wasn't happening. My nurse, Rosie, knew that I wanted to have a natural delivery, but every now and then she'd gently offer me some medicaition. "No that's okay. I really am fine." I'd tell her. And keep on going. They upped my pitocin more and more. Which made the pain stronger and more defined.
It was 6pm on Monday when the nurse came in. 18 hours since my water had broken. This time I had something different to say. I knew Jake was exhausted. I could see it in his eyes. He hadn't slept at all and had barely eaten. He hadn't left my side. And I was wearing down. I felt so out of it. I knew that the decision was up to me and I had to make it. "I want the medicine," I told Rosie. "Do you want some Demerol dear?" she asked me. "No I want an epidural." Jake and I looked at each other and started to cry. Not because we were upset to not go naturally. That wasn't it at all. We were both so tired and an epidural meant relief ahead. Neither of us liked seeing each other this way. It had been a long time and we didn't know how much longer it would be still. It was what we needed to do. After I told her what I wanted, I felt such a huge sense of relief. It was strange to have been so determined one minute and the very next, be so anxious for the anesthesiologist to come! They came and went, and Jake was my hero through that whole experience too. It wasn't fun, but after they left, and the pain started dulling, I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time. I was so tired.
They told me again to try to sleep. Everyone left for a little while, but again I couldn't sleep. A few more friends had stopped by for a quick minute. Just to offer sweet smiles and encouraging words. It was nice to see them. At some point, my pastors wife Sarah came in. She smiled and told me that I was in the room she delivered her daughter Destiny (who was my flower girl) in. I smiled at the thought. And then Sarah prayed over me; words that felt so good to hear, "Father, in Jesus' name we pray that Amy's body would progress and bring forth this child." In Jesus' name echoed in my ears even after she left. I may have slept for a little while...
At 9:00pm they came in for another check. "Nine and a half centimeters, we're ready to start pushing" She said it routinely but it felt like shouting to me! I smiled and started crying tears that I think only Jake saw. Its finally time! The nurses began to prepare the room, and drop the end of the bed. I wasn't really nervous at all. Everything seemed so natural. I just hoped I could push okay, since I couldn't really feel anything. My doctor, Dr. Stafford, came in. She was 3 months pregnant herself. Barely showing through her scrubs. She was a soft spoken, very sweet woman. She sat down and explained different things to us. She timed my pushing, telling me when to start and stop. It was just the doctor, several nurses, Jake and I. But I could see my mom and Jake's mom's feet shuffling around outside the door. I knew they were listening in. The doctor asked us if we wanted her to should "Its a boy" when you came. (We were were just sure you were a boy and she didn't know herself because we'd changed doctors and the ultrasound report didn't say.) "Just whatever" we said. It didn't matter. We just wanted to see you. It seemed like just a few minutes but an hour of pushing had come and gone.
August 12, 2003 at 10:03pm you were born! She held you up as she said, "Well, you've got a girl." Despite my thoughts of "knowing" you were a boy, when she held you up, I wasn't surprised a bit. They wrapped you up quickly and handed you to me. When I looked at your face for the first time I said, "She looks like an Ashley." That was the name we had picked out for you since the beginning. We had decided on Ashley Elizabeth before we even thought of one boy's name. I looked at your big blue eyes and fell so in love with you. All the world seemed to melt away. THe nurses finished cleaning you off and your daddy went out to make the announcement... "We have an Ashley!!" he said. They told me later that he was smiling from ear to ear.
The family all came in to see you. They kept saying how beautiful you were. "Look at those eyes," "She looks like her mommy," they'd say. "Shes a little blade, dude!" (That part was Colby. Code for "girl dude".) I had to laugh. Everyone was just so excited to see you. The first grandchild on both sides, you made grandma's, grandpa's, aunts and uncles out of a lot of people that day. And they all just fell in love with you. And those big round eyes. You were perfect. After everyone left, they took you to the nursery so we could sleep.
The next couple of days in the hospital went quick. We had visitors come and we all marveled over you. "What a pretty baby! She's got her mama's eyes," they'd say. I was so proud. The second night mom and Diane tag teamed staying with me through the night to help take care of you. I loved just holding you and letting you sleep close to me.
Thursday morning they let us go home. Jake's mom was with us when we were leaving and she was going to follow us home. She stopped by the store on the way and bought some pink blankets, pink gowns, and a wipe warmer and few other things. You had to be in pink. In the car, Jake and I talked about how neat it would be to see you at home. You were really ours. We had a little girl.
My grandmother had made us a meal that we ate for lunch... I've never had a meal that tasted so good! I don't even remember what we had except corn, but wow. We laid you swaddled with blankets and pillows on the chair in the living room. I just kept looking over at you and smiling. Out little miracle. Proof that there is a loving God who bestowed the gift of life on our home. Amazing.
Now, weeks later, with this story still fresh in my head and a beautiful little baby sleeping down the hall, I write to you. Hoping you will one day read this and understand that once upon a time, there was a young couple, so deeply in love with each other... and so in awe of their new baby girl.... Ashley.
Love, Mommy
