Goodnight Ruby

Late last night our family said a sad goodbye. Our little pet hamster Ruby didn't make it through the night. (Well, day. Her night.)

Ashley and Ruby about a year ago.

Thankfully Jake was home and was able to retrieve her from her cage where Ashley found her not moving. Silently and with many tears, Ashley, Emily and I stood in the back yard and watched as Daddy lovingly buried her. Ashley wrote a quick letter and buried it with her. It was late so today she's going to make a little stone to mark the grave.

It seems silly, it was just a hamster. But she was Ashley's. And well loved. We had a second hamster for a while, Mary Grace. But she was mean and we gave her away. Ruby was a sweet little thing- and that coming from someone who can't handle rodents.

Today as the world buzzes about confederate flags, ISIS, court rulings and shootings... The world of my 11 year old stops.

We're at a pivotal time, me and my "tweens". They're growing and maturing and it seems that every word and conversation shapes their individual images of our relationships. Am I friend, mother, confidant... Am I unrelatable, untrustworthy, insincere? All these things are like a bar graph that's ebbing and flowing with each new day but I can feel that with my oldest, the ebbing and flowing won't last long. Soon the bars are set. Her opinions formed, for better or worse. Maybe some will remain flexible but I can't risk it.  

So today as the world of my 11 year old stops, mine does too.

I've still got to buy groceries and make lunch and hit the uniform sale before its over... and she's not an only child. But my goal is set this morning before my beautiful, sleeping, closer-to-adulthood-than-toddlerhood girl awakes. I'll remain sensitive to silence, aware of the tears, and ever ready for hugs. I'm in her corner.

And I'm reminded how well the Father loves me. God is so good to hold me in the moments when my world stands still. Things that seem insignificant to others, that take my breath away. Those seasons when people passing around me have no idea what I'm walking through... but He knows. He sees and He gives me a peace that envelops my heart. Doesn't mean He stops working in other places. But the eternal God of the universe is as close as my breath, ready to love me and comfort me in my time of need.

God You are so good to us. Thank you Holy Spirit for being our Comforter. May I be Your hands and feet to my children today, especially the one hurting. And thank you for the time that we had with our little Ruby.

#lovewins

Disagreement does not equal hate. America has made a muddy mess of the two. But they are two different words.

Some people might disagree and hate. But that does not make the words synonymous. 

Disagree: verb

1. to fail to agree; differ

2. to differ in opinion; dissent:

Hate: verb

1. to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest

2. to be unwilling; dislike

I'm deeply saddened by the Supreme Court ruling this week. I disagree that it was the right choice. But it seems to me that one major thing that is misunderstood (or maybe just pushed by an agenda) is that disagreement equals hate. I disagree with the LGBT community but I do not hate them. Quite the opposite actually. I'm burdened with love for them.

Confused? Let me give an example.

I love my children. Let's say my children wanted to play with matches. Um, no that's not going to happen! Now, they might think I'm a mean mom.... Playing with matches would make them happy! Who am I to stand in the way of their happiness? But I love them too much to let them do something that will hurt them.

If I hated my children, I wouldn't care. I would let them play with matches. No sweat off my back right? "Live and let live." But I love them too much to turn my head and "let live". I would have to really hate them to let them continue in something that will cause them pain and/or death.

That's not a perfect analogy, because I'm obviously not parenting a community of people. But I'm trying to make the point that from my perspective, this is wrong and harmful. I have too much love for this world to be ok with this ruling.

No, I'm not afraid of the LGBT community and I'm not homophobic. I mean, for Pete's sake. I live in this world, not in a bubble. I have good friends who disagree with me and my views. We're friends. Our kids are friends. So let's dismiss the fear argument. 

And, I have children with special needs so trust me when I say, I understand the desire for inclusion and acceptance. Trust me. I get that. But this issue isn't a matter of disability or skin color.

God's Word is loud and clear. Homosexually is sin. Now, it's not a "worse" sin than lying or stealing or cheating. Sin is sin. And it's wrong. And it has consequences.

Romans 6:23 says that the wages of sin is death. But the gift of God is eternal life. We must repent and accept the free gift of God: His payment for our sin. 

Yesterday our country legalized sexual sin. (I'm still not sure how they had the right to redefine marriage when they aren't the ones to define it in the first place.) And I'm deeply concerned about the ramifications of that. 

To my friends who are rejoicing over yesterday's verdict: I love you. This doesn't change my love for you. We're still friends. At least I hope we are! :) I understand why you're excited, I really do. I just want you to know why I don't share your response to this news. And it has nothing to do with hate, which is what the world is trying to shout. It has everything to do with love.

From my perspective, the LGBT lifestyle is a sin that leads to death and destruction, and I love you too much be ok with that outcome for you.

To be honest, I think there are "Christians" out there who disagree and have hate in their hearts. I think there are Christians who are afraid. I also think there are Christians who believe Gods Word but condone this sin because of their fear. Please don't project the opinions of some on all. 

I follow Jesus. And I think His message was a pretty clear and simple one: love the sinner. But hate the sin in their life because it causes them destruction. Love them in their sin, love them too much to leave them in it.

I don't expect people who don't believe in the Bible or Jesus to abide by Scripture or Jesus' teachings the way I do. But when our country as a whole accepts these sins and legalizes them.... God have mercy on us all.

I think this is a given, but so that you hear my heart clearly: I'm not perfect. I don't pretend to be perfect or have it all together. I'm certainly not the one to save people from their sins. Thankfully Jesus came for those of us who don't have it all together.  Yes, I sin. But He forgives my sin and changes me continually. He gives me a deep peace and joy that I haven't yet found in my friends who don't know Him. I pray that they too would accept His forgiveness, freedom, peace and joy.

And I pray that our country would repent of this decision and turn back to acknowledging Christ as Lord the way that our forefathers did.

The trending hashtag is #lovewins. Which is ironic to me because people posting it have no idea how true it is. God is love. The creator of this world has been the definition of love since before He created it. He loves this world and He came as a man to die for it. He rose again and will one day return for it. So yes. #lovewins

To the Christian: I know your heart aches as mine does. But may this verdict lead us to Gods Word. Seek out truth like never before. Let your concern drive you to prayer... deep fervent prayer for our nation. Humbly love love love your neighbors and boldly stand firm in your convictions. Pray for those in bondage to sin. In these last days it's only going to get harder. But we know Who wins. And while we still have some religious liberties left, may the words of our mouths never be considered hate speech, but love speech. You can disagree and love. ️

~~~

These are my thoughts and opinions. They are based on the eternal Word of God as I understand it and on my personal relationship with Jesus. You don't have to agree. Comments are welcome but please remember that it's extremely rare to change anyone's (mine or others') opinions based on blog or FB comments. So let's keep agreeing and disagreeing comments here kind and encouraging. Anything else will be deleted. Thank you for understanding. 

*Image from Pinterest .com

These 3 girls

I had these 3 girls in just over 3 years. These 3 girls were each surprises. I thought each of them was going to be a boy, but perfectly and beautifully knit by God, these 3 girls made me a "girl mom".

These 3 girls are the ones that made me a mom of "3 kids under 4". These 3 are the ones who taught me that I could juggle babies. These 3 are the ones who made me fall in love with the juggle and want to juggle more. These 3 are the ones who paved the way for the 3 that would come 3 years later.

~~~

Today I had to take Abby to the children's hospital for an X-Ray to see if her Atlantoaxial instability had changed at all in preparation for spring Special Olympics. And there were some other errands to be run, and the big girls wanted to get out of the house. So Dad stayed home with the others and we spent the day together. Me and these 3 girls.

We shopped, talked, laughed, had lunch with Nana, and ran our errands.

And at one point, when we were at the hospital, I couldn't help but remembering when they were the only 3. When we would come to this same hospital for Abby as a baby.

Then, I had a double stroller, baby bjorn, diaper bag and 3 tiny girlies.

Today I had 3 beautiful, thinned out young girls walking next to me with wonderful manners to the nurses and smiles for passing patients. My wise, maternal Ashley... faithful, funny Emily... and loving, joyful Abby. As they watched the fish pond, I watched them. And I thought my heart might explode.

They don't remember life when they were the only kids in our family. Nor would I want them too. But I do. And it felt like yesterday.

~~~

When we got home I was greeted at the door by my strong, silent Micah... my sweet, gentle Mabry... and my wild, sassy Kate. These 3 more pieces of my heart outside my body.

The 3 girls poured into the mix from behind me and it was like watching water mix with water. Hugs and stories and the oldest with the youngest on her hip. All my sweet children. A family that is perfectly and beautifully knit together by God.

It's not easy to have a big family. To have 6 kids 8 years apart and 2 with special needs. 5 girls and 1 boy. Lots of drama and never a dull moment.

But if you see me looking tired, just know that I love this juggle. I wanted it, the Lord blessed me with it, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm the one who gets to watch these babies transform into people. I get to pray for their owies and disciple them to love Jesus.

The days are long but the years fly by. And I've learned so much.... they've grown so much... since I had just these 3 girls.

My Homemade Cleaners

I have had so many friends ask for my recipes for homemade cleaners. It feels silly to post because they're crazy easy to make and I'm certainly no authority on the matter. But its an easy way to share with my friends, so here it is.

First let me say- people have different reasons for making homemade cleaners. But mostly:

-To be healthier for their family

-To be greener for the planet

-To get things cleaner faster

-To save money

I have to admit, my main goal is the last one. Being healthier for my family and getting things cleaner faster tie for second. So if a cleaner doesn't save me money, I'm not going to do it. If two options are the same cost, I'll go with the healthier one, obviously. So if Chemical free is your first priority, you might not be a fan of my homemade choices. Just a disclaimer.

Laundry Detergent.

I used to make the Duggar liquid soap recipe because I've always preferred liquid detergent. But after about a year of that one, I felt like it wasn't quite cleaning as well as I wanted it too. I had to really pre-treat any soiled spots. And who has time for that? Do the Duggars do that? I even wondered if the recipe had a typo so I stopped diluting it by half the last time. And I still felt like it wasn't getting our very dirty clothes clean.

And if you've ever made liquid laundry detergent, most smell great but look like snot. Or egg drop soup. Gross.

I tried a couple variations I found on Pinterest of dry detergent. But have settled into this one. Its not super super natural/organic but its natural enough that it doesn't bother my 5 kids who have eczema or sensitive skin. And it smells awesome. And it cleans great. And like any homemade detergents its still crazy cheap. So. I'm a fan.

• 1 (4 lb 12 oz) Box of Borax
• 1 (3 lb 7 oz) Box of Arm and Hammer Super Washing Soda
• 1 (3lb) Container of OxyClean (I use the Kroger brand)
• 2 (14.1oz) Bars of Zote Soap (You could also do Fels Naptha or a Castile Bar. But again, I'm not going for super organic, just cheap and good-cleaning.)
• 1 Box of Arm and Hammer Baking Soda (The recipes I tried that omitted this, I didn't like as much. This really cuts the stink that my family emits into their clothing. Maybe that's just us.)
• 1 Bottle of Purex Crystals Fabric Softener (This isn't totally necessary, but it makes it smell like heaven. Just do it.)

Grate up the bar soap with a cheese grater (and then clean the grater in the sink and rinse really well. Don't put it in the dishwasher. Trust me on this one.) Mix it all up in a 5 gallon bucket. Use roughly 2 Tablespoons per load. 

(Recipe Source)

I've never taken the time to figure out the exact cost per load. But for now I can tell you that it's roughly $30 for all the ingredients and it lasts me for several months. And we do 2-3 loads of laundry a day. (I say we because my oldest two do their own.) 

Over time, with any homemade detergent, I notice that my whites aren't quite as bright. So I dunk them in bhyrdogen peroxide or lemon juice. Maybe even bleach... really just whatever whitening agent I have around. And add in a scoop of my laundry detergent too and soak it all overnight.

Some blogs I found link all these ingredients to Amazon. But I'm not doing that because I can always find these things cheaper at Kroger than on Amazon. I'll leave your deal finding to you.

Fabric Softener

I use Distilled white vinegar.

*crickets*

That's seriously it. If you want you could add essential oil. Like Melaleuca or Lavendar. But I just use straight up white vinegar. No it doesn't stink (everyone always asks that), my laundry just smells like the super clean/flowery detergent. And its crazy soft. And I don't need fabric softener sheets. Sooooo yeah. That's it. Moving on.

All purpose cleaner

Now when I say all purpose... I'm not messing around. I use this for literally. everything. But I might add some extra "helpers" depending on what I'm cleaning. In a spray bottle combine:

• 1 part water
• 1 part distilled white vinegar
• 1 part rubbing alcohol
• 1 quick squeeze of dish soap (Dawn works great but I've used Seventh Generation too)
• essential oil of your choice

Add the dish soap last or it will bubble up as you fill the other ingredients in. If you use essential oil, you'll have to give it a shake each time before use.

For the essential oil: I do Onguard during flu season. Right now I'm doing Purify. Grapefruit is also a good one and smells really clean. Technically, if you use a citrus oil, you should use a glass spray bottle and I do not. I'm a rebel like that.

I use this cleaner by it's self for:

~Kitchen Counters

~Kitchen table

~Appliances (its great on stainless appliances)

~Windows and Mirrors (the alcohol makes it evaporate quicker, so there's no streaking)

~Toilets

~Sinks

~Shower walls

~Bathroom floors

~Carpet (yes carpet)

~Fabric couches (unless its permanent marker and I have to bring out the big guns)

~Toys

And for some extra scrubbing power, I use my spray and then sprinkle down baking soda. Vinegar and Baking soda do this cool science experiment thing and foam up when combined. And it cleans really really well. And its not toxic. #winning 

So I do that for:

~Inside the toilet bowls

~My kitchen sink when it gets really gunky (use an old toothbrush to scrub around the faucet)

~Bathtubs

~Shower floors

I used to sprinkle kosher salt on a half of a citrus fruit and use that to clean bathtub rings. It works really good, but I think my spray and baking soda work just as well. And baking soda is cheaper (and faster) than fruit so I just stick with that.

**bonus tip #1: buy one of these and fill it half way with dish soap and half way with vinegar. Leave it in or near the shower and give the shower a good scrub while you're in it. It saves you from that awkward yoga move you have to do to clean the shower while you're dry and end up wet (and sweaty) anyway and have a dislocated shoulder. This is much easier.**

**bonus tip #2: grease stains come very nicely out of clothing when you lay it flat on the table and sprinkle some cornmeal over it and let it set overnight. We don't ask why it works, we're just grateful it does. (Nod your head with me.)**

**bonus tip #3**: I hate baking soda boxes because when I grab them with a wet hand (because I'm cleaning with it) it gets soggy. So I pour my baking soda in a mason jar and use a Parmesan cheese lid (yes they fit mason jars) so I can sprinkle it out easily. Since I use baking soda on so many things, this has been a lifesaver for me.

Mopping

I've got a huge stainless stockpot that I fill 1/2 way up with about 1/2 water, 1/2 vinegar and several drops of essential oil. Usually melaleuca. I warm it up on the oven a little and then use it to hand mop all my floors. I just think regular mops leave way too much behind. And I like to clean the baseboards at the same time. Think about how quickly you can wipe down your counters. I move that quickly through a big section of floor and then plunge my rag in the pot again to refresh it. My downstairs is pretty big so if I'm doing the whole thing, I dump and refill my pot once.

Stuff I still use chemicals for

There are some things that I've tried making homemade versions of but never found a recipe that cleans to my liking. 

Dish soap. I use Dawn. Or if our grocery budget is really tight and I need a deep sense of satisfaction from saving 85 cents, I'll buy the store brand of Dawn. I've also tried Seventh Generation and a couple other natural dish soaps and none of them had the same cleaning power as Dawn. And they're more expensive. So Dawn for the win.

Dish detergent. I really wanted to make this work. But everything I tried (including the Seventh Generation tabs and detergent liquid) left a film inside my dishwasher, made my dishes irreparably foggy and made me want to say bad words when I would open up a just-run dishwasher when I had a sink (and counter) full of more dishes that needed to go in.

Jake texted me on his way home from work one day asking if there was anything he could get from the store. At my wits end I said, "Dishwasher detergent." 

"What kind?" 

"Something toxic. With chemicals."

For the love.

Stain remover. I use Shout. My laundry big guns. This is another that I would just love if the homemade version really worked. But I really really really love shout for spaghetti sauce stains, grass stains, marker on the couch and juice on the carpet. Or any other way my family members can manage to stain something I paid for.

Walls. Every home with children should be well stocked with Mr Clean erasers. They aren't "natural" but the store brand ones are cheap and work just as well as the Mr Clean brand. I use them almost daily to clean crayon, pencils and markers from walls, tables and cabinets. Yes daily. Don't judge.

The last thing have not tried but plan to next: homemade pledge. I'm still comparing recipes but I have the ingredients to make the one I want. I'll come back and update this post if I like it. I'm currently using Kroger pledge and it leaves my wooden furniture foggy after a few minutes so... I'm hoping I like the homemade stuff.

~~~

I think that about wraps it up! If you have any questions about any of this or you have a cleaner recipe you absolutely love, please feel free to comment! Here's to a cheaper grocery trip, a healthier family and a cleaner home!!

God wiff us

“His name shall be called ‘Immanuel’, which means?”

I paused waiting for someone to answer.

“God wiff us,” came from a small raspy voice in our little circle. And then several more voices said it quickly in that "I knew that too" way.

“Right. Immanuel, which means God with us,” as I turned the page.

The livingroom was dark except for the light of the tree. I kept the kids up past bedtime to wait for Daddy and Uncle John to get home from the Christmas Eve service. We all gathered together on the floor to read our beloved and well-worn Advent book. I wish I could tell you that they all sat perfectly, soaking in every word.

My kids are really good at that special art of yelling whispers, that tone that’s almost like a growl: “She’s pushing me” “I can’t see” “Its my turn!” “I wanna read it myself!” “Ew Mom, Micah’s drooling!” “I CAN’T SEE!”

I read, “For God so loved the World that He gave his only begotten son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but live forever.” I closed the book, with a small bit of relief that it was the last page. “Ok lets pray.”

The little ones thanked the Lord for Christmas, for “this food” (we weren’t eating), the Christmas tree and a few other things. And then the older ones prayed for their sick brother, a teacher with cancer, and that in the morning they would remember that Christmas isn’t just about presents but about Jesus. Ok, they’re getting it.

Christmas morning we had a big breakfast before diving into presents. We’d all “had Christmas” twice already with Grandparents. So the kids were surprisingly patient to have breakfast and watch a little of White Christmas and  play while we cleaned up.

~~~

This morning I woke up to a news feed full of beautiful Christmas pictures. Clean, smiling children in matching Christmas pajamas in front of a perfect tree. I searched the pictures on my phone to contribute a Merry Christmas from the Spencers.

Um, nevermind.

My kids weren’t really in Christmas PJs at all, much less matching. I should have given baths the night before but ran out of time. A few of the stockings had fallen from the mantle because they were too heavy. The tree had been “redecorated” several times in spite of my empty threats. Our presents are wrapped in Disney Princess paper and not the Pintrest-trendy craft paper and twine. And it’s nearly impossible to get Abby and Kate to sit still for pictures and look at the camera. (It’s just too much to ask, apparently.) Micah's on day 3 of a fever and my kids all had some awesome bedhead going on. Do people fix all their kids' hair before taking Christmas pictures???

We're kind of a mess.

But. 

We had a wonderful Christmas. We played board games and made cookies and watched movies. The kids ran through the house playing (loudly) with their new toys. We had a big, delicious (if I do say so) dinner and went to bed full and happy. I love my big crazy family and I can’t imagine it any other way.

Today is the day after Christmas. And I’m thankful that today, Immanuel still means God with us and that God is still with us.

The creator of the world, came as a child. I know all about what it looks like to birth a child and watch them grow. God came as that? He came in the most humble way possible. He became one of us. To save us. He knew we needed saving. 

And the only way to do that was to be with us. 

Immanuel. 

Savior... which is Christ the Lord. “God wiff us.”

Rather you're having a picture perfect year, you're a hot mess (like us), you're going through something difficult or celebrating your best year ever: He's with us. And that's all that's needed, all that matters.

Merry Christmas 2014, from our family to yours.

When they don't come home (Encouragement for failed adoptions)

I wrote this post some time ago. I never published it and I'm not sure why. Maybe it was too painful then.

But in light of a friend walking this same rough road right now... and a recent precious gift... I think its time to share.

I've never experienced a miscarriage. So I don't know that pain and I can't speak to it. I've never had a child go to heaven. So I don't know that pain either. But I did have a failed adoption. Its a very unique, horribly painful experience. And I know that in those first days after it happened I cried harder than I probably ever have in my life. I knew that God promised him to me. And while, to the world, and to my friends and family, it made sense that I brought Mabry home instead (because I heard the Lord tell me "2"), she was never the "instead of". She, like all of my children, was her own sweet, precious, amazing gift and still is.

The Lord said two. And two came home. So was Oleg never "meant" to be ours? Did God change His mind? I never made sense of why it happened. Because really, it doesn't matter now. I don't have to know.

To this day I deal with the pain that my baby boy is out there somewhere. Yet, I have to trust that God is good, that He's sovereign and He has a plan to prosper me and to prosper Oleg. 

Oleg age 3 1/2, just months before we were to come for him

In my heart, he will always be my baby. He was taken by a Ukrainian Orthodox Priest to be raised by monks. Never to know the love of a mommy. When people ask me how many children we have, of course the answer is six. But in my heart, there are 7.

Oleg turns 10 in February. And every year I pray for him. Because I also believe that as a mom, the most powerful thing I can do for my children is to pray for them. And even if I can't hold Oleg, or cook for him, or take him to school, or wipe his tears, or laugh with him... I can pray. The best that I could do is all that I can do. And nothing can take that from me.

Failed adoptions are messy, ugly, painful, and publicly miserable.

Maybe you know this pain. Maybe you've known it more than once. I want to encourage you, don't let it make you turn your face from the Lord. May it make you bury your face in His chest. As His child, nothing comes to you that He hasn't allowed. There is purpose in it. You might not know the purpose this side of heaven or if you think you do, you may not like it.

The child that you aren't holding needs you to run to the Lord. Don't let the enemy steal the power of your prayers as well. 

Run to Him. Run to the One who sees your heart and knows your pain and hears your cries. The only peace, comfort, and power you'll find is there. 

~~~

For my birthday last month, my mother-in-law wanted to buy me a piece of jewelry of my choosing. (I'm a little bit Etsy obsessed, and she knows it. :))

And I'd had my eye on a mothers necklace. Simple, no initials or birthstones. Just arrows.

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord... Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one's youth. Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them. Psalm 127:3-5

Six arrows. And one wing, tucked in the middle. For Oleg.

And as a finishing touch, my husband's birthstone hangs from the clasp sealing the necklace. Which is just perfect and made me cry a little bit. ;)

His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts higher than my thoughts. And had I been able to "chose" my family... genders and birthorders and levels of development and adoptive countries... it might have looked a lot different. But I'm so thankful that I couldn't. And that I didn't. And that I still don't. 

"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the Name of the Lord." In all this Job did not sin nor charge God with wrong. Job 1:21-22

I'm not promised tomorrow. I'm not promised that I'll have my home or my husband or my children tomorrow. But in this moment, I'm thankful for what I have. It hurts that Oleg never came home. 6 years later, it still hurts. But through my pain, I want to be like Job. Not sinning or charging God with wrong. But to say with all my heart, blessed be the name of the Lord.